The Jewish Humor and Joke Page


         

Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

Jewish Professions

Three older women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know my son, he graduated with honors from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago."

The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."

The last woman says, "You know my son Morris, he never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask, "Vos is a sports repairman?"

The third moma proudly replies, "Morris fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games, tennis matches...."

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True Love

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names"

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

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ETERNAL TRUTHS

1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

3) If it werenít for STRESS Iíd have no energy at all.

4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just donít have film.

6) I know God wonít give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didnít trust me so much.

7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

8) We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.

9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.

10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again?

11) If the shoe fits...buy it in every color.

12) If youíre too open minded, your brains will fall out.

13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

14) Going to church doesnít make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youíve never tried before.

17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

28) Junk is something youíve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

33) Learn from the mistakes of others. You canít live long enough to make them all yourself.

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The Spelling Bee

During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation's capital,Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city.

The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, Md. When young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied:....J - E - R- USA - L - E - M

An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized for the first time a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel.

'It's a clear violation of church and state,' said Mohammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite. Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as AfghANUStan.

'There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan,' said one bee official, 'unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there.'

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Morris in da Factory

Morris, a parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory's incompetence, Morris promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just five words:
"MORRIS TURN THE BOX OVER."

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"Ready To go Home"

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it then looked in his pocket and asked for another beer, chugged it and looked in his pocket. this went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, "How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?"

The man said, "because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I will keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home."

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"The Resume"

Jewish Mothers don't differ from any other in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons.

One Mother, trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their just graduated-from-college sons said, "My Irving has had so many fine interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."

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Total Relief

A worried Mrs. Melchnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband! ....Is this 555-1374?

"No, this is 555-1375."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

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Jewish Minds Think Differently

A Jewish woman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her.

"Hi, honey," he says. "Want a little company?"

"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"

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The Jewish Plague

The resident pediatrican was making his rounds in the ward, trailed by six interns. "Sickle-cell anemia may be found in Black children, especially if their parents come from the Caribbean. Tay-Sachs syndrome occurs in adult Jews, of course; but Jewish children are more easily identified by one fact. Can anyone tell me what that is?"

"Certainly," said one intern. "Heartburn."

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

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