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A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that the son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm a fundraiser for the Jewish Federation."

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The origin of Kish Mir in Tukhes (For the Yiddish Challenged, “Kish Mir In Tukhes” is Yiddish for "Kiss My Rear")

It was in the great market in ancient Rome that Marcus Brutus Goldstein, a poor tailor, made Togas and sold them at his stall in the marketplace.

He shouted out his wares for sale, "Togas! - Finest Togas in all Rome!" he would shout, but alas, business was not good. Finally, a friend suggested that since the weather was getting rather cold, he could increase business by lining he garments with a fine quality wool lining. Marcus agreed and proceeded to line his togas using the finest quality Kashmir lining.

And so, from that day forward, he could be heard loudly and proudly proclaiming throughout the marketplace, "Kashmir in togas."

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If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.

Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house.

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.

One old friend is better than two new ones.

A wise man hears one word and understands two.

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

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A boy was watching his father, a rabbi, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

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After a temple service on Sabbath morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a Rabbi When I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to temple on Sabbath anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up, yell, and tell people what they should do than to sit and listen."

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Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Mike , "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Mike says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go "tick-tock-tick- tock" anymore. Now it just goes "tick...tick...tick."

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice…..... "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

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ACADEMIC BULLSHIT PHRASES COMPLETED , , , , ,

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit now.

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Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

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A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says "Now I have to arrange for a GET".

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)

She replies. "Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire #%^&*!"

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