Humour in a Jewish Vein


         


 
 
 
 

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Humour in a Jewish Vein - Jewish Magazine Humor Page , Jewish and Israeli jokes and humor!

With Special Thanks to Sid Kliener...

The Jewish Magazine is the place for Israel and Jewish interest articles

"Keeping One's Word"

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same synagogue, and looked to be perfect Jews. Then, their Rabbi retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the synagogue started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new Rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The Rabbi gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the Rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

The Jewish Magazine is the place for Israel and Jewish interest articles

The tourist was invited to visit the tomb of Israel's unknown soldier and was shocked when taken there-----he could NOT believe his eyes.
There in big letters was inscribed, "Here lies Hyman Goldfarb, Furrier."
The tourist inquired of his guide, "How can this be the tomb of the unknown soldier with the name upon it?"
"As a soldier", he was assured, "he was unknown, but as a furrier, he was famous."

The Jewish Magazine is the place for Israel and Jewish interest articles

In recent news.......Discovery.....

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... ...They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones...

ringringringringringringring-a-ling

The Jewish Magazine is the place for Israel and Jewish interest articles

Subject: Why G-d never got a Ph.d.

1. He has only one major publication.
2. It was published only in Hebrew.
3. It has no references and no bibliography.
4. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
5. His office hours were sporadic and often held on mountaintops.

The Jewish Magazine is the place for Israel and Jewish interest articles

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia - then start worrying)

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Character is what you are. - Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully - It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women,
2 - Fractions.

The Jewish Magazine is the place for Israel and Jewish interest articles

There once was a Jew who came to a crossing guard on a bicycle. He said,"What's in the sacks?"
Sand. said the bicyclist,.BR> Sure it is? said the guard
So he got it analyzed for all the usual contraband. The Report said it was sand.
So, the bicyclist loaded up his sand and went on his way. Day by day the same thing happened, month after month, soon year by year. The guard had stop checking him already long ago.
He was shocked when one day the bicyclist didn't come.
He went to Israel to have a vacation. He met his friend the bicyclist in a bar.
They were talking He said, " OK where here alone, I won't tell anyone. What in the world are you smuggling?"
He said, "BICYCLES"

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