If they had Jewish mothers (and maybe they did)!
By Don Entlich
If they had Jewish mothers (and maybe they did) What would their mother's have said to them?
Confucius: what's with this Confucius Says garbage.you're just repeating everything I taught you while you were growing up.you want I should be happy?...how about some credit going to your mother like telling people Confucius's Mother Says.
Moses: now that we escaped Pharaoh, where exactly is this promised land the Lord told you about?.and was it revealed in a dream or another burning bush?.Moses.I'm a tired old bubbie.how much longer do we schlep?...and how much longer do we have to eat this bread called matzo? I'm a simple Jewish woman.all I ask for is a good piece of challah with some fresh butter.
Abraham: Where were you and Isaac for the last 2 days?...camping?...so what's with the lamb chops?...and how come they're cooked? Well at least I can now make my boys some homemade lamb stew. Isaac.how come you look a little pale.go find Rosemary. She has this special herb she grows which goes well with lamb.
James Watt: please Jimmy.how about inventing for me a steam iron that works.
Orville and Wilbur Wright: enough with the bicycles and your newfangled aero plane.you go to the beach to fly like a bird and did either of you bring home a nice Jewish girl? .no!...the only thing you bring home is a box of salt water taffy. What's a mother to do?
Alexander Graham Bell: it's been 2 years since you invented the telephone and did I ever get a call.no!...did you give me your phone number.no!...you're lucky I didn't keep my maiden name Greenberg and your company would be called Ma Greenberg instead of Ma Bell. Call your Ma Bell.please!
Ludwig Van Beethoven: how about a symphony in my honor.you know.your mother.Ludwig!...look at me!. you didn't hear a word I said.
Sigmund Freud: Siggy.I can't figure you out these days.come here and lie down on this couch.I have a few questions to ask you about the time you played with your you know what as a little boy.I need get to the bottom of why you are so confused about your relationship with me. And no, I won't give you any more baths.
John F. Kennedy: did I give you permission to use my line?. you remember when I told you to .ask not what your mother can do for you.ask what you can do for your mother. Oh and your friend Nikita called.he wants you to get him tickets to Disneyland.how come you can take Nikita but not your own mother?
Charles Darwin: how dare you talk that way to your mother.if you think I evolved from a monkey then figure out where you think I'm going to shove this banana. I'll give you a hint.you're sitting on it.
Charlie Chaplain: when you were a little boy I dressed you up to look like a tramp for Halloween and 30 years later you still want to look like a tramp.oy vey!...what have I created?
Franklin D. Roosevelt: Frankie.I know times are tough.so why do I have to take in other people's laundry to make ends meet.why can't I be part of your New Deal?...after all, if it weren't for me, there would be no Deal.
Fidel Castro: You promised me that when you took over the government, you could let me retire from the cigar factory.since I've become an award winning cigar maker, thanks to you, here I am stuck in this smelly factory.the least you can do is to pay me the same rate as the men here.
Karl Marx: what's the matter?.why couldn't you follow in the footsteps of your cousins Groucho, Chico, and Harpo.but no mister big shot.you had to invent Communism.
Mark Zuckerberg: With all the money you are making on Facebook, why can't you buy your mother a computer I can use? This new Apple you bought me has no keyboard.what do you want I should do?...point at it?...I can't even make apple sauce with it.what do you mean I should look for the apple sauce app? What is an app???
Elisha Otis: I appreciate the fact that you invented the elevator.so why do you have me living in a five floor walkup?
Eli Whitney: I know you invented that new contraption to process cotton but there is one problem.the store I go to only sells polyester.
Michael Lee Aday aka Meat Loaf: ok Mikey .I'll accept you with your new name but why do I have to be known as Chopped Liver?
Bob Dylan: the next time you tell me to go blow in the wind, I'll take your harmonica and shove it down your throat. Now go get ready for bed and I'll sing the song I taught you: lay Bobby lay; lay across that big brass bed.and by the way, I think you and that Joanie Baez make a cute couple.now is she willing to convert when the time comes?
from the April 2013 Edition of the Jewish Magazine
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