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At Polikoff's Kosher restaurant the diner looked up to find a Chinese waiter. Not only was he Chinese but he spoke passable Yiddish.

The diner quickly approached Polikoff who regularly stood behind the cashier and said "Polikoff this Chinese waiter...where did you find him...he speaks Yiddish ?"

Polikoff answered "Shveig (quiet) he thinks he's learning English"

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A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

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Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen."

Dave replies, "It's the very LEAST anyone could do. After all, we WERE married for nearly 20 years."

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A husband said to his wife "Get your coat on dear, it's time to go to the pub."

She replied "Really? You NEVER took me there with you before?"

"I'm not," replied the husband, "I'm just turning the heating off before I go."

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An executive was interviewing a candidate for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are really something special!!!!

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I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, dad,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

Well I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit him..

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Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3-6 packs.

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: about $10.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So 3-6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct? Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct? Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

(short pause)

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So, Where's your #@*!ing Ferrari?

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Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Chinese, a Japanese, and a Jewish Samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Chinese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! "What a feat!" said the Emperor.

"Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Japanese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.

"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead," replied the Jewish Samurai !! "Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"

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The secret of a good speech is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.

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