Jewish Magazine Joke and Humor Page

            October 2013    
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Break in at the UJA

Did you hear about the break-in at the United Jewish Appeal offices?

Investigating authorities have surmised that... the thieves were probably Jewish - they got away with over a million dollars in pledges!

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Fringe Benefits...

The board of the synagogue was having a meeting about hiring a new Rabbi.

They agreed on the salary. They agreed on providing the Rabbi with a house and a car. They agreed on a generous medical plan. They agreed on 3 weeks of vacation plus the day after Thanksgiving. But they got stuck on the Rabbi's request for a new Tallis whenever he needs it.

One of the Board members asked the president, "Compared with the salary, house, car, medical plan and vacation, why not the Tallisim?"

The president rose up and said, "Who knows how often he needs a new one? Who knows the quality he requires? Who knows the prices he pays? In short, gentlemen, those fringe benefits could kill us!"

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The Schwartzes Redecorate...

Years of struggle and hard work resulted in Schwartz's dry goods becoming a big success. Finally they decided to sell the business and retire to Scarsdale.

Once the deal was done, they cashed the rather generous check and went looking for a house, or rather, a mansion. They found just the thing in a beautiful, tree-lined neighborhood, 8 bedrooms, 8 baths with Greek columns at the end of a long and circular driveway, a cottage for the help and a swimming pool in the back.

Mr. Schwartz leaves most of the redecorating planning to Mrs. Schwartz. Everything will be top notch - staircases going up and down, marble from Italy, art from France, rare woods from Africa, gold and silver fixtures.

Mr. Schwartz wants only one thing, he tells the contractor as he leads him to the portico in the garden. "Especially, I vould vant right out here, a halo statue, and you should spare no expense."

The contractor, realizing his client is of the "Jewish persuasion", gently seeks to reconfirm the request. "Are you sure that you want a halo statue? And are you sure you want it right here."

"Dat's right, sonny boy," replies Schwartz. "I vant a halo statue and I vant it right here."

"You know those things can be very expensive," replies the contractor.

"Money should be no object. I verked hard all my life and I deserve it," replies Schwartz firmly.

Work begins and goes on for months. Finally, the house is finished and everything is beautiful. The Schwartzes roam the house, admiring the Damask drapes, the finest crystal candelabras and 6 sets of silverware and fine china (milchic, fleishic and traif.and again for Passover.)

They go up and down the staircases, through the bathrooms with the double sinks and silver faucets, into the library loaded with all the classic books.

Finally it's out to the garden where under the portico there is a bigger than life size sculpture in Carrara marble of the blessed Virgin Mary cradling baby Jesus, each with a 24 carat gold halo hovering their heads.

"Vat is dis?" exclaimed an excited Mr. Schwartz?

The contractor is perplexed and replies, "This is the halo statue you specifically ordered. Don't you like it? Or is it in the wrong location?"

Schwartz explodes, "Dis is not a halo statue."

"Not a halo statue?" Responds the contractor. "I researched it and had this specifically made in Italy for you and had it blessed there. If THIS is not a halo statue, I'd like to know what is!"

Schwartz shrugs and replies, "You know, a halo statue. It's a little black box. Ven it goes 'ring, ring.' You pick it up and go "halo, statue?"

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Exercise Actually Kills Germs

But what I want to know is, how do you get them to exercise?

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Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.

He probably lies about other things too.

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A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

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Well Done?

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

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from the October 2013 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

Material and Opinions in all Jewish Magazine articles are the sole responsibility of the author; the Jewish Magazine accepts no liability for material used.