Jewish Humor and Jokes


         


 
 
 
 

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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

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Leftover from Passover

As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were notable to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water. Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.

Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"

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Thought for Food or Food for Thought?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

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The Great Puzzle

Three Israelies walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of whiskey. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.

They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell " Only 51 days!"

The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days.

One of the Israelis looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days.....and on the box it said 4-7 years"

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IF MICROSOFT WERE JEWISH

If Microsoft Were Jewish

1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklempt".

2. When you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard Drive is Shtupped" message.

3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".

4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).

6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - You're killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!".

8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis".

9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".

11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".

12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that".

13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.

14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!".

15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.

16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."

17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mah-Jong."

19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.

20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.

22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5800" issues.

23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "Since I Am a Rich Man."

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Aunt Yetta's 27 Rules for Jewish Living

1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.

4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?

5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.

6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.

7. Always whisper the names of diseases.

8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the- street parking is suspended.

11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

15. No meal is complete without leftovers.

16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.

18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.

19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.

20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.

23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?

25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.

26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:

27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

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Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employer's Lingo:

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee's Lingo:

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"
I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

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Don't Bet on this Gamble

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game.

Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "L*rd, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

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It happens in the Best of Families

The temple board president, a very pious Jew, was extremely distressed in receiving the news that his only son had converted to Christianity. He is so besides himself that he goes to talk to the Rabbi, the highest authority he knows. He says "Rabbi, Rabbi what have I done wrong? I brought him to Temple every day. I taught him everything that I was taught, gave him all I was given. Where, where did I go wrong?"

The Rabbi says "Funny ting, my only son too, he has converted to Christianity. I, too, can not figure out vat vent wrong, after all I am the Rabbi, surely my teachings and guidance should have been sufficient." The Rabbi continues "There is only one ting ve can do, we must speak to a higher authority still. The Rabbi and the Board President make there way to the sanctuary and they begin to speak to G-d.

They say: "Oh, L-rd, where have we gone wrong, our only sons have shunned us and converted to Christianity, what shall we do? Where did we go wrong?" A big booming voice is heard from above saying; "FUNNY TING you should mention dot!"

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Reap the Benefits from reading the Bible

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.

The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind rifles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.

The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.

The man replies: "Chapter 11."

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Quickies with Twists

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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Biblical Quiz

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah-he was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter-she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar-he was on grass for seven years.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

A. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Q. Samson-he brought the house down.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David-he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of G-d was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan-the banks were always overflowing.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: How do we know that they did not play cards in the ark?
A: Because Noah sat on the deck.

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Enough is Enough!!

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