Jewish humor, jewish jokes, humor jokes, funny stories


   
    June 1999         
Search the Jewish Magazine Site: Google

 
 
 
 

Search our Archives:

Home
History
Holidays
Humor
Places
Thought
Opinion & Society
Writings
Customs
Misc.
Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

+ - + - + - + - + - + -

How we Jews have solved the Y2K Problem

In less than one year the world must solve the Y2K problem.

This is the year 5759 of the Jewish Calendar.

If we all switch over to the Jewish Calendar then we will have 41 years to solve the Y58K problem

+ - + - + - + - + - + -

This is supposedly a True Story
(and I can believe it)

In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Cartagena, Spain for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:

Dear Captain, On Thursday, it will be my daughter's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. One last point: No Jews---We don't like Jews.

Sure enough, at 8 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she got out, "There must be some mistake."

"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."

+ - + - + - + - + - + -

Using the Noddle

A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $2,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $2,000 and the interest which comes to $5.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $2,000"?

The Hasidic Jew replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 5 bucks?"

+ - + - + - + - + - + -

Gotta Start Going!

The top ten ways you can tell that the person next to you has not been at services too often:

  1. "Hey, my book is backwards."
  2. "Isn't it impolite to talk when the minister is talking?"
  3. "What's with the beanies?"
  4. "Isn't it funny that one person on the stage has a better singing voice than the other ones." 5. "I get the standing and the sitting; when do we kneel?
  5. "Does your prayer book have writing in a funny looking alphabet, too?"
  6. "Why do people keep coming in even after the service starts? Didn't they know what time it starts?"
  7. "Do a bunch of people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives the sermon?"
  8. "This food after the services is really good, but wouldn't it be better if people waited in line and then only took a little at a time?"
  9. "Hey, I remember this part from 'Fiddler on the Roof'!"

+ - + - + - + - + - + -

How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace
Part I

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting, eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her to sign a waiver.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her if s/he want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask him/her to settle the disagreement.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

No matter what anyone asks you, reply "OK" while nodding no.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

Grow mold in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.

+ - + - + - + - + - + -

NEW PROVERBS FOR THE MILLENNIUM

  1. Home is where you hang your @
  2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  5. Great groups from little icons grow.
  6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  7. C:\ is the root of all evils.
  8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
  9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  10. The modem is the message.
  11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
  13. A chat has nine lives.
  14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
  15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
  16. What boots up must come down.
  17. Windows will never cease.
  18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
  19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
  20. Modulation in all things.
  21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
  22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
  23. Know what to expect before you connect.
  24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
  25. Speed thrills.
  26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for months.

+ - + - + - + - + - + -

VIRUSES YOU SHOULD REALLY LAUGH ABOUT!

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re -attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

SPRINT VIRUS: Every three minutes, you hear a pin drop out of your machine.

YUGOSLAVIA VIRUS: Almost immediately fragments into several autonomous parts. Then it violently tries to reassemble itself for the next 150 years.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Goes into your spellchecker and updates the word "Potatoe"

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Tries to have you removed as the rightful owner of the computer, even though everybody else wants you to be the owner.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.

+ - + - + - + - + - + -

A Penny for Your Thoughts,
Wait a Minute, I Want My Money Back!

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts." she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

+ - + - + - + - + - + -

IRAQ TV GUIDE

MONDAY

8:00 Husseinfeld 8:30 Mad About Everything

9:00 Suddenly Sanctions

9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY

8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror

8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right

9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things

9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY

8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy

9:00 Just Shoot Me

9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY

8:00 Everybody Loves Achmed

8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H

9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses

9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY 8:00 Judge Saddam

8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things

9:00 Achmed's Creek

10:00 Movie of the week: The Last Iraqi Martyr

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Enough is Enough!!

Hey! Just a second! If your really got down to the bottom of this page, hows about doing us a favor and send us your favorite joke! We really appreciate your input.



The Jewish Magazine is the place for Israel and Jewish interest articles
The Current Monthly Jewish Magazine
To the Current Index Page
Write to us!
Write Us
The Total & Complete Gigantic Archive Pages for all issues
To the Big Archives Index Page