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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

The Beatles New Release: The Jewish Album
order from the Jewish Magazine

Can`t Buy me Guilt

Roll Over Maimonides

We Can Kvetch it Out

I Am the Bibi

Eleanor Rigby-Cohen

Lucy In The Shul With Derma

Obla Oy, Obla Vey, Life Goes On

We All Live in a Yellow Matzaball

You Say It`s Your Bar-Mitzva, It`s My Bar Mitzvah Too

Can't Buy Me Kishka

This Goy

Sgt. Pilpul's Lonely Klezmer Band

All You Need Is Lev

The Shul on the Hill

Your Mother Should Only Know

If I Kvell

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Way to Go!

Morris, a 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

Morris, the 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said Morris, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Just for Phun!

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilet equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month,the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

from 7 year old Josh

Why do Seagulls fly to the sea?
Because if they were to fly the bay....They would be called Bayguls (Bagels)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Moe and Lenny Judging Favorably

Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.

"Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."

"Wait a minute," Moe replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, The Other Side of the Story, about the command to judge other people favorably? I'll bet we can think of hundreds of reasons for Irving's behavior. He is our friend and we must look for a favorable reason for his seeminly violation of the Shabbat laws"

"Yeah, like what?"

"Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."

"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis."

"Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."

"She had one last week."

"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."

"She's home."

"Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."

"He is a doctor."

"Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital."

"The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."

"Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbat!"

"Of course he knows it's Shabbat. Didn't you see his tie. It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."

"Wow, you're a really observant Jew! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."

"How could you not notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

the Jewish Samurai

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for one.

A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh, whoooooooossshhh, whoooooooossshhh, whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The Jew then turns to the emperor and humbly bows as if a great success was attained.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Fun In The Bible

IT IS WRITTEN

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson brought the house down.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were definitely put out.

Q. What is one of the first things Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They raised a little Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children to explain why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Who was the most proficient lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses broke all ten commandments at once.

Q. Where is the first tennis match in the Bible?
A. Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q. Where is the first recorded Biblical case of constipation?
A. In Kings where it says that David sat on the throne for forty years.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua was the son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!

Q. How do we know they didn't play cards in the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Ah Believe!

A old Jew stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old Jews and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The Jew looks back, and being a helpful soul, says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the Jew.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old Jews wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

MAINE COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY

Kinda gatta watch whacha say thar'

1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter

2. Log off - Don't add no more wood

3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove

4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck

5. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood

6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood

7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter

8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter

9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside

10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season

11. Byte - What the black flies do

12. Bit - What the black flies did

13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season

14. Chip - Munchies for TV

15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips

16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway

17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out

19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds

20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery

21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box

22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully

23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes

24. Web - What a spider makes

25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling

26. Cursor - Someone who swears

27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies

28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen

29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the woods

30. Upgrade - Steep hill

31. Server - waitress

32. Mail Server - male waitress, damn few in Maine

33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered

34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it

35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff

36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch

37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet

38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method

39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network

40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week

41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground--better luck next week

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Oh, my Gosh!

Two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she's been married, and the reply was 4. 'Four times!' exclaimed the first woman, why so many?

So the other woman said: 'Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.'

'Oh my gosh, that's terrible' the first woman said.

'Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.'

'Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!'

'Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.'

'Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?'

'It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.'

'And what does your present husband do for a living?'

'He's a mortician.'

'A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?'

'Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand... One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... And four to go!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

More on the Morbid Side

Two friends were visiting the mortuary to pay their respects in the cold of winter.

"Gosh, doesn't Joeseph look great! He looks like a picture of health laying there."

"Well, I guess he ought to he just got back from a two weeks vacation in Florida."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Women's Observations on Men

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words even strike fear in the heart of General Schwarzkopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: Depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: Nerdy and not nerdy.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly, ever notice?

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks."
On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -- you get to date young girls and ride motorcycles.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

@ # @ # @ # @ # @ #

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the August 2000 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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