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Rosh Hashanah - Tashlich

(EXPLANATION: On Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year), there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean (or a stream or river), pray, and then throw bread crumbs onto the water, for the fish to symbolically eat their sins. Some people have been known to ask what kind of bread crumbs should they throw.)

Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. I would suggest that we can do better. Instead:

For ordinary sins, use ........................... White Bread
For exotic sins .................................. French Bread
For particularly dark sins ....................... Pumpernickel
For complex sins ................................. Multi-Grain
For twisted sins ................................. Pretzels
For tasteless sins ............................... Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision ........................... Waffles
For sins committed in haste ...................... Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes.. Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah ............................. Fresh Bread
For substance abuse/marijuana .................... Stoned Wheat
For substance abuse/heavy drugs .................. Poppy Seed
For committing auto theft ........................ Caraway
For petty larceny ................................ Stollen
For committing arson ............................. Toast
For timidity ..................................... Milk Toast
For being ill tempered/sulky ..................... Sourdough
For silliness .................................... Nut Bread
For not giving full value ........................ Shortbread
For jingoism ..................................... Yankee Doodles
For risking one's life unnecessarily ............. Hero Bread
For excessive use of irony ....................... Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes ............................ Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts ......................... Jelly doughnuts
For being money hungry ........................... Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering .......................... Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing ............................ Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others ........... Tortes
For promiscuity................................... Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles .................... Hot Cross Buns
For racism ....................................... Crackers
For sophisticated racism ......................... Ritz Crackers
For davenning (praying) off tune ................. Flat Bread
For being holier than thou ....................... Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another .................. Challah
For indecent photography ......................... Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment ..................... Dumplings
For sins of laziness ............................. Any Very Long Loaf
For being hyper-critical ......................... Pan Cakes
For political skullduggery ....................... Bismarcks
For over-eating .................................. Stuffing Bread or Bulkey Rolls
For gambling ..................................... Fortune Cookies
For abrasiveness ................................. Grits
For sins of pride ................................ Puff Pastry
For cheating ..................................... Baked Goods with Nutrasweet
For being snappish ............................... Ginger Bread
For impetuosity .................................. Quick Bread
For incompetent child rearing .................... Raisin Bread
For negligent slip ups ........................... Banana Bread
For dropping in without warning .................. Popovers
For trying to improve everyone within sight ...... Angel Food Cake
For being up-tight and irritable ................. High Fiber or Bran Muffins
For sycophancy ................................... Brownies

Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone. For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, an attempt will be made to have pre-packaged Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Tashlich Lite, Medium and Heavy-heavy! Strength) at your local Jewish bakery.

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How-do-you-call.its?
please empty your bladder before reading this one

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?"
Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK!" Damn!" A bad skydiver goes, "Damn!" WHACK!

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it!

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?
An Amish drive-by shooting.

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer

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TOP TEN WAYS THE WHITE HOUSE WILL CHANGE WITH LIEBERMAN AS V.P.

10) Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".

9) Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."

8) Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.

7) Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.

6) Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!

5) Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift Gore in Chair and Dance Around.

4) U.S. Never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.

3) Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to actually start working Monday - Friday.

2) Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.

1)In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed Carnegie Delhi.

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Pro Gore?

The National Jewish Democratic Council has produced a campaign button with the photos of the two candidates on it. Under Gore's it says "Gore" and under Bush's it says "Gornisht."
(Sorry, ya gatta know Yiddish for dat one!)

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ALGORISMS

(We know that he is the J- hope, but, still...)

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Al Gore

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
--Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, & water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
--Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
--Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, & that one word is 'to be prepared'."
--Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
--Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
--Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."
Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
--Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Public speaking is very easy."
--Vice President Al Gore to reporters in 10/95

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
--Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
--Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
--Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
--Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Al Gore

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore

AND, OF COURSE, (TO ALL USERS OF THE INTERNET), THE ALL TIME FAVORITE QUOTATION OF MR. AL GORE:

"As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the Internet"
--AL Gore to Katie Couric 3/99

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S. B. D.
skip this if you are sensible

A business lady goes to see her doctor. "Doctor," she says, "I suffer from flatulence. It's very embarrassing. Just this morning I was in a lift full of people, when I had this gaseous feeling in my tummy. I had to let it go. I was so embarrassed. And just the other day, I was at a board meeting, with all the top executives. Again, I couldn't help it, I had to let it go. But, there are two good things about it. They don't smell, and they're silent. No one can smell or hear them. As a matter of fact, Doctor, I've actually let three slip out since I've been in here with you."

The Doctor wrote out a prescription, and told her to put three squirts in each nostril, twice a day, and come back and see him in a week.

"What," she said, "will the nasal spray fix my upset tummy?"

"No," he said, "but as soon as we clear up your smelling problem, we'll work on your hearing."

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The Devil comes to the Synagouge

Rosh HaShannah morning, the synagouge is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Rabbi, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Rabbi and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in G-d's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

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Another Jewish President Joke

The first person of the Jew was elected president.

He calls his mother, and tells her that he was elected president of the Unites States.

Her reply was "so".

He tells her that she will have to attend his inauguration.

She tells him I don't have a thing to wear. Don't worry I'll get you a dress.

How will I get their? I will send a limousine for you.

At the inauguration, she was sitting amongst all the dignitaries, has he is being sworn in.

She tell everyone around her, in a loud voice. See that fellow up their being sworn in.

His brother is a Doctor.

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IDIOT SIGHTINGS...

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

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synagogue seating

Questionnaire for synagogue seating:

PLEASE CIRCLE ONE ANSWER FOR EACH QUESTION:

1. I would prefer to sit in the

a. talking section
b. no talking section

2. If talking, which sub-category do you prefer?

a. business
b. medical
c. politics
d. hard gossip
e. character analysis
f. grandchildren
g. fur coats
h. what's wrong with the chazen
i. what's wrong with the rabbi
j. what's wrong with the prime minister

3. I want a seat located

a. near my in-laws
b. far from my in-laws
c. far from my ex-in-laws
d. near the pulpit
e. near the Kiddush table
f. near the exit

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Another Jewish Joke

Izzy entered the room all agitated. "There is a new Nazi Party and their manifesto states they intend to kill a million Jews and five Postmen."

"Why five postmen?" somebody asked.

"That's typical," cried Izzy in despair. "Nobody ever cares about the Jews."

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Reciprocate!

We are missing a joke for this slot. Please send us your funny one.

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Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the October High Holiday 2000 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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