The Jewish Humor and Joke Page


         

Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

 
 
 
 

Search our Archives:

Home
History
Holidays
Humor
Places
Thought
Opinion & Society
Writings
Customs
Misc.

Politically correct

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes--no matter what they are. He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"

The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, cajun fries and case of beer." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?" He replies: "I'd like a case of the most expensive Champagne and I'd also like a big plate of escargot cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill and he is then thrown in the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?" The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can."

The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can. With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN for reacting to insufficient provocation!"

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Children's Science Reports

A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains theheart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hang meat on. "

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum......I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Groan

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of G-d, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh the Bully, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, they did so........ thereby proving.....

That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

1970 vs. 2001

1970: Long Hair
2001: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2001: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2001: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2001: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2001: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2001: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2001: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2001: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2001: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2001: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2001: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2001: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Killer weed.
2001: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2001: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2001: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2001: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2001: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2001: Calling the principal's office.

1970: Screw the system!
2001: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2001: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair Cut.
2001: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2001: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2001: Passing the vision test.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Groaner #2

There has been a great loss in the entertainment world.

The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died and his funeral was held this week.

What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket.

They'd put his left leg in and...well, you know the rest.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Corporate America ...

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

18. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

19. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

21. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

22. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.

23. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

24. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

25. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.

26. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.

27. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.

28. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

29. Never pass a snow plow on the right.

30. If you can smile when everything goes wrong, you probably don't understand the problem.

31. Morning people: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

32. Night people: "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter."

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Three Great Religious Truths

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the authority of the Pope.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other when they are in the liquor store.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

WHAT IF GOD HAD VOICE MAIL?

We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of modern life. But have you wondered, "What if God decided to install voice mail?"

Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling The Big House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquires.

What if God used the familiar excuse... "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line"

Can you imagine getting these responses as you call God in Prayer?

If you would like to speak to:
Gabriel, Press 1
For Michael, Press 2
For a directory of Rabbis, Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding Press 4.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security number, then press the pound key (#). (If you get a negative response, try on 19 Kislev.)

For reservations at "the Big House" please enter C-H-A-B-A-D followed the pound key (#).

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed THREE times today; Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is closed for Shabbat; please pray again Sunday at 7:15 AM

If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local Rebbe or Rabbi or the Jewish Magazine....

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Famous Qoutes

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
David Steinberg

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up...they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
Mel Brooks

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
Lenny Bruce

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
Peter Malkin

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disraeali

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Sam Levenson God will pardon me. It's His business.
Heinrich Heine

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
Sam Goldwyn

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Sam Goldwyn

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
George Burns

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

The Missing Joke

So you got down to the bottom of this, huh. That means that you enjoyed it, right? Elsewise, why did you get down to here?

Listen, buddy, we need some jokes. We know that you have some. If you got down this far, that means that you like jokes, right? O.K., just click on this and send us your funny. If not, we got ways of dealing with people like you!

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

@ # % ! # ! $ @ ? % #

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the January 2001 Edition Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

The Jewish Magazine is the place for Israel and Jewish interest articles
The Current Monthly Jewish Magazine
To the Current Index Page
Write to us!
Write Us
The Total & Complete Gigantic Archive Pages for all issues
To the Big Archives Index Page