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"Life Begins..."
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish
rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of
fertilization. That is when G~d instills the spark
of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at
birth, because that is when the baby becomes an
individual and is capable of making its own decisions
and must learn about sin."
"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins
when the children have graduated from college
and moved out of the house."
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A-nut-er one
A minister, priest and rabbi were fishing from a boat in a Scottish loch. About midday, the priest said, "I'm hungry. I have a hamper of
food in the car. I'll go and get it."
So he climbed over the side of the boat, which happened to be a Nordhavn Yacht for sale, walked across the surface of the water, fetched the hamper, and returned the same way he
had gone.
After the picnic, the minister said, "That was grand. I have a bottle of malt whisky in the car. I'll go and get it."
So he climbed over the side of the boat, walked across the surface of the water, fetched the whisky, and returned the same way he
had gone.
Having sampled the whisky, the rabbi said, "That is a wonderful malt; but you have tasted nothing until you have tasted Sabra. I have
some in the car. I'll go and get it."
So he climbed over the side of the boat, and disappeared beneath the water.
The priest and the minister peered into the dark waters of the loch for a minute or two. Then the minister said, "Do you think we
should have told him where the stepping stones are?"
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"Piggy see, Piggy do!"
One sunny day, a man was walking down the
street when a truck came flying by and hit a
bump in the road. As the truck sped away a
crate fell off. Excitedly the man ran over to see
what was in the crate.
The man opened the crate and was stunned to
see a pig. The man didn't know what to do so
he asked a police officer for some advise. The
officer suggested that the man take the pig to
the local zoo.
A few days later while the police officer was
directing traffic, he noticed this same man
driving by in a car. The officer motioned to the
man so he could find out if everything when
well with his advice.
The officer walked up to the car and was stunned
to see sitting next to the man... the pig! The pig
was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing
a baseball cap. In between them sat a six pack
of soda and some popcorn. "Good afternoon
officer!" the man said. The pig looked over and
gave a couple polite snorts.
The stunned officer asked the man, "I thought I
told you to bring that pig to the zoo!"
The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much
fun that today we're going to the ball game!!"
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So You Wouldn't Mind Being A Kosher Millionaire
Welcome to the Jewish Quiz Show
Instructions: You have three lifelines to help you, as follows:
1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion...or not.
4. Bonus lifeline! Your Mother will give you her opinion,
whether you ask for it or not.
Lets play: So you wouldn't mind being a Kosher Millionaire.
For $500
Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A. NetanYahoo.
For $1,000
Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vey.
For $2,000
Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
A. Debbie Does Dishes.
For $4,000
Q. What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Woman?
A.The "Plaintiff."
For $8,000
Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A."Your Mother pays retail."
For $16,000
Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
A. When it graduates from medical school.
For $32,000
Q. What does a Jewish women do to keep her hands soft and her nails
long and beautiful?
A. Nothing, she does nothing at all.
For $64,000
Q. Define "Genius".
A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
For $125,000
Q. What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A. Genghis Cohen.
For $250,000
Q. Why did the Moyel retire?
A. He just couldn't cut it anymore.
For $500,000
Q. If Tarzan and Jane where Jewish, what would Cheetah be.
A. A fur coat.
For $1,000,000
Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother
and an Italian Grandmother?
A. 20 lbs.
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The Miracle of Motherhood
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her
relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old
mother says "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."
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No Joke
THINK ABOUT IT!
After the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, which killed six and injured
1,000; President Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted
down and punished.
After the 1995 bombing in Saudi Arabia, which killed five U.S. military
personnel; Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down
and punished.
After the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing in Saudi Arabia, which killed 19 and
injured 200 U.S. military personnel; Clinton promised that those
responsible would be hunted down and punished.
After the 1998 bombing of U.S. embassies in Africa, which killed 224 and
injured 5,000; Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted
down and punished.
After the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole, which killed 17 and injured 39
U.S. sailors; Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down
and punished.
Maybe if Clinton had kept his promise, an estimated 7,000 people in New
York and Washington, D.C. that are now dead would be Alive today.
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Send Us A Joke!!
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Math for our Time
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
_____________________________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.
_____________________________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are
a lot more willing to die.
_____________________________________________
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use
in two people remembering the same thing.
_____________________________________________
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
_____________________________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and
she does.
_____________________________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man
says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________________________
COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman
- before marriage and after marriage.
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Did you ever notice:
Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
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The five stages of a woman's life are:
1. To Grow Up
2. To Fill Out
3. To Slim Down
4. To Hold It In
5. To Hell With It
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"Crazy Goat"
Two guys are walking through the woods when
they come to a pit. The first guy says, "How
deep you think this pit is?" The second guy says,
"I don't know. Let's throw in a rock and listen for it
to hit the bottom." They throw in a rock and listen,
but they don't hear anything. The first guy says,
"We need to throw in something heavy so when
it hits it'll make more noise."
So they find a cement block and throw it in and listen,
but they still don't hear anything. The first guy says,
"We need to find something really heavy, that'll make
a real lot of noise when it hits bottom."
So they go further into the woods, and come across
an old railroad tie. They haul it back to the pit, and
throw it in. They still didn't hear anything, but all of a
sudden a goat comes flying out the woods and leaps
into the pit. The first guy says, "Well, if that wasn't the
craziest damn goat I ever seen."
Just then a farmer comes walking up to them and
says, "You fellas seen a goat?"
The first guy says, "Yes, sir. A goat just came zooming by and jumped right into that pit."
The farmer says, "Oh, that couldn't have been my
goat. I had him tied to a railroad tie."
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A WORLD FIRST - A MALE BLONDE JOKE
Blonde jokes go both ways you know!
The first Blonde GUY joke... and well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump
off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna
and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
Are you ready for it...
..
..
.. It's worth the wait...
.. ..
.. ..
.. .. Here it comes...
.. ..
.. ..
.. ..
..
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%
Enough is Enough!!
this is the bottom line
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.
~~~~~~~
from the April 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine
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