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"Life Begins..."

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when G~d instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."

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A-nut-er one

A minister, priest and rabbi were fishing from a boat in a Scottish loch. About midday, the priest said, "I'm hungry. I have a hamper of food in the car. I'll go and get it."

So he climbed over the side of the boat, walked across the surface of the water, fetched the hamper, and returned the same way he had gone.

After the picnic, the minister said, "That was grand. I have a bottle of malt whisky in the car. I'll go and get it."

So he climbed over the side of the boat, walked across the surface of the water, fetched the whisky, and returned the same way he had gone.

Having sampled the whisky, the rabbi said, "That is a wonderful malt; but you have tasted nothing until you have tasted Sabra. I have some in the car. I'll go and get it."

So he climbed over the side of the boat, and disappeared beneath the water.

The priest and the minister peered into the dark waters of the loch for a minute or two. Then the minister said, "Do you think we should have told him where the stepping stones are?"

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"Piggy see, Piggy do!"

One sunny day, a man was walking down the street when a truck came flying by and hit a bump in the road. As the truck sped away a crate fell off. Excitedly the man ran over to see what was in the crate.

The man opened the crate and was stunned to see a pig. The man didn't know what to do so he asked a police officer for some advise. The officer suggested that the man take the pig to the local zoo.

A few days later while the police officer was directing traffic, he noticed this same man driving by in a car. The officer motioned to the man so he could find out if everything when well with his advice.

The officer walked up to the car and was stunned to see sitting next to the man... the pig! The pig was sitting upright, with his seat belt on, wearing a baseball cap. In between them sat a six pack of soda and some popcorn. "Good afternoon officer!" the man said. The pig looked over and gave a couple polite snorts.

The stunned officer asked the man, "I thought I told you to bring that pig to the zoo!"

The man replied, "Oh, I did, and we had so much fun that today we're going to the ball game!!"

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So You Wouldn't Mind Being A Kosher Millionaire

Welcome to the Jewish Quiz Show

Instructions: You have three lifelines to help you, as follows:
1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion...or not.
4. Bonus lifeline! Your Mother will give you her opinion, whether you ask for it or not.

Lets play: So you wouldn't mind being a Kosher Millionaire.

For $500
Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A. NetanYahoo.

For $1,000
Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vey.

For $2,000
Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
A. Debbie Does Dishes.

For $4,000
Q. What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Woman?
A.The "Plaintiff."

For $8,000
Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A."Your Mother pays retail."

For $16,000
Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
A. When it graduates from medical school.

For $32,000
Q. What does a Jewish women do to keep her hands soft and her nails long and beautiful?
A. Nothing, she does nothing at all.

For $64,000
Q. Define "Genius".
A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.

For $125,000
Q. What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A. Genghis Cohen.

For $250,000
Q. Why did the Moyel retire?
A. He just couldn't cut it anymore.

For $500,000
Q. If Tarzan and Jane where Jewish, what would Cheetah be.
A. A fur coat.

For $1,000,000
Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?
A. 20 lbs.

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The Miracle of Motherhood

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."

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No Joke

THINK ABOUT IT!

After the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, which killed six and injured 1,000; President Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.

After the 1995 bombing in Saudi Arabia, which killed five U.S. military personnel; Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.

After the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing in Saudi Arabia, which killed 19 and injured 200 U.S. military personnel; Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.

After the 1998 bombing of U.S. embassies in Africa, which killed 224 and injured 5,000; Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.

After the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole, which killed 17 and injured 39 U.S. sailors; Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.

Maybe if Clinton had kept his promise, an estimated 7,000 people in New York and Washington, D.C. that are now dead would be Alive today.

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Math for our Time

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

_____________________________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________________________

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________________________

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

_____________________________________________

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

_____________________________________________

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

_____________________________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________________________

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

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Did you ever notice:

Did you ever notice:

When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

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The five stages of a woman's life are:

1. To Grow Up

2. To Fill Out

3. To Slim Down

4. To Hold It In

5. To Hell With It

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"Crazy Goat"

Two guys are walking through the woods when they come to a pit. The first guy says, "How deep you think this pit is?" The second guy says, "I don't know. Let's throw in a rock and listen for it to hit the bottom." They throw in a rock and listen, but they don't hear anything. The first guy says, "We need to throw in something heavy so when it hits it'll make more noise."

So they find a cement block and throw it in and listen, but they still don't hear anything. The first guy says, "We need to find something really heavy, that'll make a real lot of noise when it hits bottom."

So they go further into the woods, and come across an old railroad tie. They haul it back to the pit, and throw it in. They still didn't hear anything, but all of a sudden a goat comes flying out the woods and leaps into the pit. The first guy says, "Well, if that wasn't the craziest damn goat I ever seen."

Just then a farmer comes walking up to them and says, "You fellas seen a goat?"

The first guy says, "Yes, sir. A goat just came zooming by and jumped right into that pit."

The farmer says, "Oh, that couldn't have been my goat. I had him tied to a railroad tie."

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A WORLD FIRST - A MALE BLONDE JOKE

Blonde jokes go both ways you know!

The first Blonde GUY joke... and well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

Are you ready for it...

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It's worth the wait...

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Here it comes... ..

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"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
this is the bottom line
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the April 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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