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Moshe was lying on his deathbed. "You only have a little while longer in this world," the kindly rabbi warned the sick man. "If there is anything you would like before you go, I shall do my best to get it for you."

The weakening patient replied, "Rabbi, I'd like to hear the village band play once more."

The band was summoned and played its best, after which Moshe remarked, "Now I can die happy. There'll be nothing in hell worse than that."

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A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.

She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you?

Have I not been a wonderful grandmother?

Have I not been a wonderful mother?

Have I not given to Bnai Brith?

Have I not given to Hadassah?

Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk?

Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"

A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The loud voice booms again "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."

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The little boy came home from school and proudly announced that he had a part in the school play. Beeming quite proudly the mother asked what part he was going to play.

"I'm going to be a Jewish father," he exclaimed.

The mother's face turned fire engine red. She stuck her son in the car and drove to the school at 70 miles an hour.

Hurridly she tracked down the drama teacher and grabbed him by the throat.

"You give my kid a speaking part or I will take him out of school forever," came the mother's threat.

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Saddam Hussein phoned President George W. and said: "George W., I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner."

George W. asked, "What was on the banner?"

Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."

George W. said: "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."

Saddam said: "What was on the banner?"

George W. replied: "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."

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I hope this clears up most misunderstandings...

"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

:::...... This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

...::... Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that."... Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done.

"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

"Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.

He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

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The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:

Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

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When a man volunteers to do a barbecue, the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off." Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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Babe Ruth and Reggie Jackson aren't the only ones who have had a candy bar named after them. MOUNDS was named after Dolly Parton.

America is in an identity crisis: We are trying to find out who we are, where we're coming from, where we're going, what we're made of, and how to lose 10 to 20 pounds of it.

I finally did something about my weight: I stopped getting on the scale.

You know it's time to diet when you nod one chin and two others second the motion.

A woman dining at a French restaurant asked her friend, "What are the snails like here?" Without missing a beat, the friend replied, "They're disguised as waiters."

Looking at his portly patient, the doctor hands him a prescription and says, "Mr. Jones, you should make sure that you try to take these pills on an empty stomach...if such an opportunity ever presents itself!"

The three major food groups are canned, frozen and takeout.

I'm in perfect health and I eat from the four basic food groups: salt, sugar, alcohol and grease.

Obesity has now been linked to religion and to the number of hours you watch TV. And all this time I thought it had something to do with food.

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Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"

Defendant: "No, I did not."

Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"

Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder."

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