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The Dofus Case

by Lawrence Akerman

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a dofus!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'dofus' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a dofus!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'dofus' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled,

"NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,

"That's because you're a dofus!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first dofus (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW dofus, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

Yes it is."

Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're a dofus!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two dofuses to call.

But after a couple of months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea: I called Dofus #1. "Hello"

"You're a dofus!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Dofus, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer out front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, dofus."

Then I called dofus # 2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello Dofus," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick you," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, dofus, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way back home to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two dofuses beating each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

I feel so much better!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.