Jewish Humor and Joke Page


         

Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

 
 
 
 

Search our Archives:

Home
History
Holidays
Humor
Places
Thought
Opinion & Society
Writings
Customs
Misc.

Morris and his Blonde Wife Sherry

Morris and his blonde wife Sherry live in Chicago. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Morris' wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Morris' wife Sherry goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches blizzard of snow today. You must park...", then the electric power goes out....and the radio goes dead.

Sherry says, "Morris honey, I don't know what to do now."

Morris says, "Why don't you just leave your car in our heated garage this time?"

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

On the Course, of Course

(If you don't like golf, feel free to "play through" these and go to the
next one)

The golfer and the caddy

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so ma'am. That would be too much of a
coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's
too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good ma'am, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, Ma'am, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, Ma'am."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

HANDY LATIN PHRASES


(courtesy of Shannon P. Duffy, ace legal journalist and classical scholar)

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
Garbage in, garbage out.

Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.
I think we're on the same wavelength.

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis
exponebantur ad necem.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit
materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.

(At a poetry reading)
Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
How do you get your hair to do that?

Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out


* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

Signs of the Times

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a military hospital door to colonoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a dry cleaners:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close
the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you
will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

A Good 'un

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

How to make great kebabs

Two Arabs, Abdul and Mustapha, have competing restaurants next door to each other in downtown Gaza.

Naturally, they both specialize in kebabs.

Abdul's establishment is highly successful with long queues of customers who can't get enough of his kebabs.

On the other hand, Mustapha's business is struggling badly. On the rare occasion a customer ventures in for a kebab he never comes back a second time.

Mustapha is despairing that he can't make a living. But he has a bright idea.

He arranges for his cousin Hussein to take a job in the kitchen of Abdul's restaurant, his mission - to find out the ingredients that go into these highly popular kebabs.

After a week, Hussein returns to his cousin declaring triumphantly that he has the information.

"Well, out with it already,what does he put in those kebabs?" asks Abdul.

"I'll tell you", replies Mustapha, "it's 50% camel dung and 50% meat!"

"Aha!" shrieks Abdul, "so that's his secret,....he adds meat!"

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

Dress for Success

An Arab was walking through the Pakistan desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you Jewish idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 8 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way,...look for Sam's Shack, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table with the tie display.

He said, "I told you, about 8 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. But your brother Sam wouldn't let me in without a tie."

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

Dr. Seuss meets the Computer

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot, and go out with a bang,
because as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

The Best for Last

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job it was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to G-d. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read,

"Dear G-d, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Passover, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner who also don't have enough money to make a nice meal. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Passover came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to G-d. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear G-d, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was probably those thieving bastards at the post office.

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

Yours Goes Here

This here space aint got no joke, cause you aint been sending us nottin. We cain't figure out how to make a joke, so you just gatta send some in to us.

from the boys in the computer room.

* * * * * Send Us A Joke!! * * * * *

@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
this is the bottom line
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the June 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

The Jewish Magazine is the place for Israel and Jewish interest articles
The Current Monthly Jewish Magazine
To the Current Index Page
Write to us!
Write Us
The Total & Complete Gigantic Archive Pages for all issues
To the Big Archives Index Page