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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

 
 
 
 

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"Tachlis"

Morty Rosenthal is a new member of the Golden Goose retirement community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the garden.

Rebecca, out for her morning constitutional, sees Morty, and says "Do you mind?"

"Not at all" Morty says.

So Rebecca sits down on the opposite end of his bench. "So nu, you're new here?" Rebecca asks rhetorically.

"Yes" Morty affirms.

"So nu, you are from where?" Rebecca inquires.

"Washington" Morty answers.

"The capitol or the state?" asks Rebecca.

"The state" replies Morty.

"So nu, how old are you?" Rebecca asks.

"I'll be 70 in October." Morty replies.

Not yet satisfied with the answers, Rebecca presses on with "What did you do in Washington?"

"I was in prison" Morty retorts.

"Oy vey! Really?" says Rebecca. "What were you in prison for?"

"My wife of twenty years was always asking stupid questions, so I murdered her and put her down the garbage disposal" he says.

"Sooooo," purrs Rebecca, "you're single?"

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Health in Israel

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Israel.

In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver..."Say, is this really a healthful place?"

"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said the tourist , "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

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Dumb Questions

I left Montreal on route 20 heading toward Quebec City, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I am driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say: "Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you.

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Subject: News Release: Ramala, Palestine

U. N. officials have hailed Yasser Arafat's decision to convert to Judaism as a major step in bringing peace to the Middle East.

In Israel, government offices were swamped beyond capacity by applicants volunteering to be the moyelThe guy that cuts the skin off of the penis.

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"Shell Sign"

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

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The Future Looks Right on Ahead

Upon their retirement, a husband and wife were discussing their future. "What will you do if I die before I do? the husband asked the wife.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then the wife asked the husband, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

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Quickies

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

My wife has manopause - she keeps stoping me from starting.

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"Memory Test"

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

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Anger

When you are mad at somebody, it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 muscles to reach out your arm and slap the crap out of him.....(which one sounds like more work now?)

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
this is the bottom line
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the July 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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