Jewish Magazine January 1998 Humor Page


         

Jewish Magazine January 1998 Humor Page

 
 
 
 

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HUMOR IN A JEWISH VEIN

The Inner Cabinet Meeting

Only in Israel can things get as crazy as they do. Some say that political appointments are not made based on the person's ability to do the job, but rather his ability not to do the job. But we don't believe it! The following is an inside report.

One day the Israeli Prime Minister, Bibi Netenyahu, wanted to have a private meeting with his two closest cabinet members, Arik Sharon and David Levy. He arranged to meet them in the middle of a forest so that there would be no intruders or eavesdroppers.

Bibi came to the meeting with an umbrella. Arik came with a canteen and David Levy came with a car door. They looked at each other and questioned one other.

"Bibi, why did you bring an umbrella, it's the middle of the summer?"

"You have to be prepared for emergencies!"

"Arik, why did you bring a canteen?"

"You never know how long these meetings last and there might not be water available."

"David, why did you bring a car door?"

"If it gets hot, I can roll down the window and cool off!"

"OK," Bibi started, "the religious parties seem to know all of the government secrets! How do they know what we discuss?"

"Ah, that's simple," answered Arik, "each Friday, before the Shabbat, they all go to the mikvahs (hot ritual baths) and bathe in the hot water and they talk to each other about politics. That's how they know every thing!"

"OK, I'm going to check on this security leak myself! Enough, let's go back to the city."

David Levy needed a lift back so Bibi drove him into the city. While they were in the car, Bibi turned to David and said, "Listen, I had some problems with the turn signal on the passenger side. I'll turn it on, look out the window and see if it works."

David Levy rolled down the window and gave his report, "It's working, no, it's not. It's working, no, it's not. It's working, no, it's not. It's working, no, it's not."

"Never mind, I'll fix it later," said Bibi.

In town, Bibi dropped David Levy off at an intersection so that he could get to his next destination. David Levy waved down a cab and got in.

The cab driver started driving and began to speak to David. "Hey, you wanna hear a funny joke about David Levy?"

"Hey, I'm David Levy!!!!"

"No problem, I'll tell it to you real slow!"

Soon Bibi arrived at the local mikva. Wearing dark glasses so that he would not be recognized he undressed and entered into the hot bath. Hearing the men speaking, he waded over to them and said, "Nu Chaver, (well, friend) what's new in politics?"

"Shh, the men cautioned him, "be careful what you say, we have been warned that Bibi is planning to come here today!"

A Quick Trick

By the way, do you know how you get a one handed Israeli down from a flag pole with out using grease?

Answer: You wave to him!

Only in a Kosher Butcher Shop!

For sure you must have heard about the elderly Jewish lady that walked into the butcher shop and told the butcher that she wanted to buy some slices of salami.

"How much do you want lady?"

"Just cut, and I'll tell you," was her reply.

"OK," the butcher said obligingly, as he started cutting a gigantic salami. After cutting quite a few slices, he looked at the woman and said, "Is this enough?"

"Cut, cut!" was the reply.

The butcher returned to the salami and continued his slicing. Still no reply from the woman. After cutting a great deal more, the butcher turned again to the lady and said, "Is this enough?"

"Cut, cut!" was the reply.

The butcher again returned to the diminishing salami and continued his slicing. Still no reply from the lady. After cutting almost the entire salami, the butcher turned again to the lady and said, "Is this enough, lady? This is a tremendous amount of meat here!"

"OK," the lady replied, pointing with her finger, "let me have this piece here and that piece there!"

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