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Abe was feeling downcast because he needed a new suit in the worst way and couldn't afford to buy one when he passed a new store by the subway at 72nd Street that had a sign in the window,

"What d'ya think - my name is Fink and I sell clothes for nothink!"

So Abe went into the store and chose a beautiful suit. He was so happy to have it and planned to wear it to his new job the next day. The depression had been on for a long time. This was the first job he'd had since the crash. However, his joy was cut short when he strode out of the store looking so good and feeling so lucky when Fink stopped him at the door and demanded payment for the suit.

Abe was shocked, to say the least, about this turn of events! He said,"your sign in the window says "What do you think, my name is Fink and I sell clothes for nothink." How come you now want payment?

"Well", said Fink, "you read it wrong! It says, "What d'ya think? - My name is Fink? - and I sell clothes for nothink???

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Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" , asked Morris.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

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Leo and Sam exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."

"No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will think we're trying to break in."

Then Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"

"No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."

"Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain and the sun roof is open!"

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When the young boy was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered...so he asked his little brother to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. The little brother grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.

The father said, “This is important...put your hand back on his head!”

-to which the little boy exclaimed, “What, am I my brother’s kipah?”

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Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?

~ Cain wasn't Abel.

~ King David sat on the throne for forty years.

~ Solomon - neither heaven nor Earth could move him.

~ Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.

~ Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

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Every Friday night, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the tzaducah (charity) box in the shul. This went on for weeks until the Rabbi, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

”Mrs. Ginzburg, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the tzaducah box,” he stated.

”Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the shul.”

”That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

”Oh, $2,000 a week.”

”Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”

”I believe he is a veterinarian,” she answered.

”That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”

”Well,.. ...he told me that he has one cat house in Chicago, and another in Dallas.”

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You know you grew up Jewish when...

You've had at least one female relative who draws eyebrows on her face and they are always asymmetrical.

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef “brisket”.

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and bowties.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.

You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel badly for hurting her hand.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra.

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse’s ancestor.

You grew up thinking it’s normal for someone to shout “are you okay? Are you okay?” through the bathroom door if you’re in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You have at least six male relatives named David.

You thought that speaking loud was normal.

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The emailer's "Forwarder's" 12 Step Program - Now, Everyone Say It With Me...

1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!

2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!

5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail NEVER-EVER!

7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not Silly enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

9) The government DOES NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!

11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend. And if G~d wants me to forward a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or all of your hair will fall out, a mole in the shape of an eggplant will grow on the tip of your nose, you will surely be constipated for the next three months.

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1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

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