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The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading (or writing) a PhD dissertation, academic paper, political speech.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"
... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"
... This data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"
... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"
... The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"
... This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"
... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed or funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"
... Once

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"
... Twice

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"
... Thrice

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"
... I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"
... A couple of others think so, too, like my wife and mother.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"
... Wrong.

"ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"
... Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"
... A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"
... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of Coors beer.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON CAN BE EXPLAINED"
... I don't understand it at all.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"
... They don't understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO MORRIS BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"
... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams tried tp explain to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"
... A totally useless topic selected by my PhD committee.

" THIS FIELD IS OPEN FOR FURTHER STUDY "
...I quit!

* * * * * * * * * *

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, ''Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'' The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

''Sir,'' the usher said, ''if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'' Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.

''All right buddy, what's your name?''

''Sam,'' the man moaned.

''Where ya from, Sam?'' the cop asked.

''The balcony.''

* * * * * * * * * *

Morris, a mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife Hanna; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so he gave him a book on assertiveness, which Morris read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

Morris stormed into the house and walked up to Hanna, his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that "I" am the man of this house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my hot bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"Moscowitz...the funeral director," said his wife.

* * * * * * * * * *

A dog comes to Western Union and hands the clerk a telegram to send that says "Woof Woof Woof Woof. Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof."

The Western Union clerk says " Y'know, the cost of a telegram starts at 10 words, so you could add another woof here, and it wouldn't cost you any more."

The dog says: "Well, then that wouldn't make any sense!"

* * * * * * * * * *

An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

* * * * * * * * * *

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is Chinese take-out.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?!"

* * * * * * * * * *

God was not pleased with mankind (again). So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them to continue in the righteous path. This would give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

You don't?

Well... I didn't get one either.

* * * * * * * * * *

A man walks into Harry's shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The Harry at the cash register hears this, has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet, and yells out, "Try pulling the tongue out."

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

* * * * * * * * * *

Frank Lingua, president and CEO of Dissembling Associates, is the nation's leading purveyor of buzzwords, catch phrases and clichés for people too busy to speak in plain English. Business Finance contributing editor Dan Danbom interviewed Lingua in his NYC office.

Danbom: Is being a clichée expert a full-time job?

Lingua: Bottom line is I have a full plate 24/7.

Danbom: Is it hard to keep up with the seemingly endless supply of clichés that spew from business?

Lingua: Some days, I don't have the bandwidth. It's like drinking from a fire hydrant.

Danbom: So it's difficult?

Lingua: Harder than nailing Jell-O to the wall.

Danbom: Where do most clichés come from?

Lingua: Stakeholders push the envelope until it's outside the box.

Danbom: How do you track them once they've been coined?

Lingua: It's like herding cats.

Danbom: Can you predict whether a phrase is going to become a cliché?

Lingua: Yes. I skate to where the puck's going to be. Because if you aren't the lead dog, you're not providing a customer-centric proactive solution.

Danbom: Give us a new buzzword that we'll be hearing ad nauseam.

Lingua: "Enronitis" could be a next-generation player.

Danbom: Do people understand your role as a cliché expert?

Lingua: No, they can't get their arms around that. But they aren't incented to.

Danbom: How do people know you're a cliché expert?

Lingua: I walk the walk and talk the talk.

Danbom: Did incomprehensibility come naturally to you?

Lingua: I wasn't wired that way, but it became mission-critical as I strategically focused on my go-forward plan.

Danbom: What did you do to develop this talent?

Lingua: It's not rocket science. It's not brain surgery. When you drill down to the granular level, it's just basic blocking and tackling.

Danbom: How do you know if you're successful in your work?

Lingua: At the end of the day, it's all about robust, world-class language solutions.

Danbom: How do you stay ahead of others in the buzzword industry?

Lingua: Net-net, my value proposition is based on maximizing synergies and being first to market with a leveraged, value-added deliverable. That's the opportunity space on a level playing field.

Danbom: Does everyone in business eventually devolve into the sort of mindless drivel you spout?

Lingua: If you walk like a duck and talk like a duck, you're a duck. They all drink the Kool-Aid.

Danbom: Do you read "Dilbert" in the newspaper?

Lingua: My knowledge base is deselective of fiber media.

Danbom: Does that mean "no"?

Lingua: Negative.

Danbom: DOES THAT MEAN "NO"?

Lingua: Let's take your issues offline.

Danbom: NO, WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE MY "ISSUES" OFFLINE.

Lingua: You have a result-driven mind-set that isn't a strategic fit with my game plan.

Danbom: I am not getting the answers that I need from you.

Lingua: Your call is very important to me.

Danbom: How can you live with yourself?

Lingua: I eat my own dog food. My vision is to monetize scalable supply chains.

Danbom: When are you going to quit this?

Lingua: I may eventually exit the business to pursue other career opportunities.

Danbom: What is your advice to the up and coming generation.

Lingua: Take it and run with it.

* * * * * * * * * *