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From the PLO

Arafat was having a meeting with all of the top leadership of the PLO when suddenly the phone rings. It's his wife Huuha, calling from the family house in Paris. She is whispering... "Ya Yasser, I think there is a thief in the house...."

Arafat shouts: "Calm down, woman, there's no thief."

Huuha: "How do you know?"

Arafat: "All the thieves are here with me!"

(Told (quietly) by Arabs in the Palestinian Authority.... honest)

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If You Don't Know Some Hebrew, Skip This

A new guy in Shul, Moshe, is asked to do Hagbah. It was a pitiful sight. He could barely lift the Sefer Torah, almost drops it and sits down VERY quickly.

He was very embarrassed and makes a resolution to go home and work out. For the next few months, he lifts weights, does push ups, sit ups and pull ups. He's ready.

The next Shabbos Moshe goes to Shul and he's all excited and ready. All of a sudden he hears the Gabbai call his name, so he rushes up to the Bima, grabs the Sefer Torah, lifts it and opens up at least 10 columns. Swings it to the left and then to the right.

He's feeling VERY proud. He turns to the Gabbai and says, "So, how was it ?"

The Gabbai says, "Well your Hagbah was great, but I called you up for Shlishi"

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Learning Arabic

How do you say in Arabic "Wait, I need to reload my rifle!"....?

"Hudna!"

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Anti Semitism

Morris Goldstein finished his college education and decided his future was in radio broadcasting.

After college he graduated from Yale's famous master's program in Performing Arts. Not satisfied he took further training at the famous New York Academy of Public Speaking.

With all his degrees in hand Morris got his first interview for a radio announcer's job at KWK Radio in Manhattan.

That night Morris sadly admitted to his friend Jerry that he was turned down on his first interview for a radio announcer's job.

Friend Jerry said. " But why Morris, you have all the education and degrees ? "

Morris said with great sadness, " B-b-bec-c-caus-se t-t-hey-y a-a-ar-re a-aa-an-n-nt-ti ss-sse-m-m-met-tic aa-at k-k-k-kw-k-k ! "

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Making a Deal

A Rabbi with a large family of seven children moved to a new city. He and his wife didnt want to buy a home immediately. They wanted to rent a townhouse until they could get a feel for the area and choose a home where their kids would be in good schools and they could be conveniently located.

They found plenty of rental townhouses that were large enough, but the landlords always objected to having a family of nine occupy the place.

In frustration, one day the Rabbi asked the mother to take the four youngest children and go visit the local cemetery. She was puzzled by his request, but went along. He and the other three children headed off to investigate another townhouse they had found.

The place was perfect and the Rabbi told the landlord he would take it. Then came the usual question, I see you have children. How many are there in the family?

The Rabbi gave out with a deep sigh, then said, Seven ... but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.....

He got the townhouse.

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Shofar Blowers

Jack and Sam are having a conversation. Jack asks Sam what time it is. Sam answers him and asks Jack why he doesn't have a watch.

Jack answers that he doesn't need one since he could always ask someone else for the time.

"But, what do you do if you get up during the night and you want to know what time it is", asks Sam.

"I have a shofar (ram's horn )." answers Jack.

"A shofar? How's that going to help?", asks Sam.

"Simple", answers Jack. "I just open the window and start blowing. Soon the neighbors start yelling. . . . Are you crazy, blowing shofar at 3:00 O'clock in the morning!"

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Important Quotes to Know

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
...Herbert Henry Asquith

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
...Woody Allen

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
...Carl Sandburg

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Yeshiva Bocher's First Date

A Yeshiva Bocher (young man) is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his Rabbi for advice.

The Rabbi replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a hotel lobby to talk. They stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his Rabbi's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his Rabbi's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his Rabbi's advice and asks the girl the following question:

"If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

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George W. & the Yeshva Bochrem

During summer vacation, three Yeshiva boys, Milton, Aaron and Michael, went fishing every day at the creek. George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid, Milton Goodstein says, "I want to go to Disneyland." Bush says, "No problem, I'll fly you there on my special Airforce One airplane "

The second kid, Aaron Goldfarb says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

The third kid, Michael Silverstein says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped?

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.

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Health & Fitness Corner

Public Service Feature from the Jmag

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Have a beer while you watch the boob-tube, your heart beats slower that way.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. Frying in motor oil is unhealthy! How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans ... Another vegetable! "It's the best feel-good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie ... remember, flour is a veggie!

One more thing: When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and the salt.

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)

~~~~~~~

from the September 2003 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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