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The Rabbi and the Sheriff
The sheriff of a small town in the South was less than
cooperative with the local Jewish community.
One day a dead mule was found on the front steps of
the synagogue. Rabbi Meltzer quickly called the
police.
The sheriff answered and said, "Well, you have a dead
mule. I thought you Rabbis take care of the dead."
"Of course we do," said Meltzer. "But it is proper and
customary to first get in touch with their immediate
family"
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No Comment
A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital.
He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came
into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the
crucifix?"
"Oh, Sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in
this room was enough."
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What Me Work?
Morris goes to a job interview. The boss says, "I'll
give you 8 dollars an hour starting today, and in
three months, I'll raise it to 12 dollars an hour.
So when would you like to start?"
Morris replies, "In about 3 months from now?"
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Pronouncing Expresses Social Status
As we are coming up on High Holidays, it's time once
again to explain the correct naming of the holiday Yom Kippur.
Studies have shown that how a person
pronounces this is an uncanny indicator of their
socioeconomic status.
For example, a person who own a Geo Metro or Ford Pickup
normally pronounces it: "Yahm Kipp' er".
A person who owns a Cadillac normally says: "Yohm'
KeePoor'".
While the driver of the Lincoln says: "Merry
Christmas".
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Speaking the Truth
An English teacher asked her 8th grade class to write an essay
on what they would do if they had a million dollars.
Morris handed in a blank sheet of paper.
"Morris!" yelled the teacher, "you've done absolutely nothing.
Why?"
"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would
do!"
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Finding Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it was passed on to me and has
definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an
article, I have finally found inner peace... It read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. So,
today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle
of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a quart of
Baskin Robbins rocky road.
You have no idea how good I feel.
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Thought for the Day
Support bacteria. . . they're the only culture some people have.
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Daffy Nision
Q. What is the plural for yenta?
A. Hadassah
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In the Court House
Esther wanted a divorce from Irving. The judge asked,
"What fault do you find with your husband?"
"Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a
brainless idiot."
"That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you
prove all that?"
"Prove it? Why everybody knows it."
"If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
Irving shouts out, "She did too!"
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Phunny Vuns
We Saved the Best for Last
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying
two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm
sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."
- - -
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.
One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The
other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much - he became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
- - -
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it
sank proving once again that you can't have your
kayak ! and heat it too.
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the
Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot
my paw."
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend
dental medication.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing
their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and
asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as
they moved off. Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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A woman has twins and gives them up for
adoption. One of them goes to family in Egypt and is
named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan
sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture
of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
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These friars were behind on their belfry
payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to
raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the
good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that...(are you ready) Hugh, and
only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
- - -
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
most of the time, which produced an impressive set
of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his
odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him
....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)
......A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
- - -
And finally, there was the person who sent these
ten different puns to his friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did!
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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%
Enough is Enough!! -
This is the Bottom Line (almost)
~~~~~~~
from the October 2003 Edition of the Jewish Magazine
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