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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

 
 
 
 

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A Jewish Dog Story

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can't wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor. A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!"

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey .. And you think it's easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it ... it's too salty and it gives me gas. It's disgusting I tell you!"

The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

"I know, I know," says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained. He thought I said kvetch."

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Join The Army

Ira Goldberg was in front of me heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always our rabbi was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.

The rabbi grabbed Ira by the hand and pulled him aside. The rabbi lunged these words at him, "You need to join the Army of G-d!"

Ira replied, "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."

Rabbi questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

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The Guardian Angel

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step you will be killed!" The woman stopped, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path.

A minute or two after that, she was getting ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed, "Halt! Don't cross the street now!" An out-of-control beer truck soon careened around the corner and didn't even slow down as it ran the red light.

Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice replied. "I imagine you have some questions for me."

"You bet I do," the woman said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"

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Exercise for Seniors

For those who are getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen! Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day , you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a few weeks, move up to 10 pound potato sacks and then 50 pound potato sacks, eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

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Visiting the Wailing Wall

Morris, a tourist, once came to Israel with the intention of visiting the Kotel (Wailing Wall) but he forgot what it was called. When he stepped into a taxi, he said to the driver "Can you please take me to the place where all Jews cry? Do you know where this is?"

The taxi driver answered . . . "Beseder - I'll take you there". He drove Morris straight to the taxation office.

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Screwy

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "Well .... the light was on..."

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MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, a man and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

The husband leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.....

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SENIOR'S DISCOUNT

Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round and 'round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old lady. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year; that, "In one year they would pay for themselves".

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Jewish Mag's Excersize Program

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year.

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

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NOW SCROLL UP... That's enough exersize for the first day!

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Please Skip This if You Get Offended

These are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, poor spelling and all!

1. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

2. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

3. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

4. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

5. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

6. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

7. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

8. Soloman, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

9. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

10. Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)

~~~~~~~

from the November 2003 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

 

 

 

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