Humor in a Jewish Vein


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Jewish Humor

From Our Readers

The Ultimate Wedding Guest

      A man goes to a large catering hall on Long Island. He enters the hall and takes in the sites, 1000 people enjoying themselves, fressing, drinking, music, ect...
      Just then a man approaches him and says.." Glad you could make it here!! Which side are you on, the Kallahs or the Chossens??" (Bride or Groom).
      He replied " the Kallahs side".
      The man instantly shouted, " GET OUT OF HERE!"
      "Why, whats wrong?" replied the newly arrived guest.
      The man answered, "This is a Bar Mitzvah!!!!"

from Chanoch Bleier


This would be a Joke....if it weren't so True!

The familiar Midrash (as background)


      Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family - It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "I have a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while my brother has no one to help."       So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain.
      Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "I live by myself whereas my brother has so many mouths to feed." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain.
      One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and hugged and kissed each other. And it is on that hill that the Holy Temple was built.

------

Now, the joke...

      Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family - wife, sons, daughters. The second lived by himself.
      It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "We have so many mouths to feed whereas my brother has only but himself." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain.
      Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "My brother has a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while I have no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain.
      One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and yelled at each other and beat each other up. And it is on that hill that the Knesset was built.


From Our Finest Minds

SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE."
      - Brooke Shields

"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP."
      - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER. THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER."
      - Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL."
      - Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS."
      - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO."
      - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE."
      - Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET."
      - Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS."
      - Andrew Mathis

"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK."
      - Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE."
      - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF."
      - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
      - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
      - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
      - Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE."
      - Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT." - A congressional candidate in Texas

"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
      - Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE -- SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY."
      - Everett Dirksen

"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES."
      - John Wayne

"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
      - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
      - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND."
      - General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
      - Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
      - Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
      - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

submitted by Bruce Bodersen


"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
      --Lily Tomlin

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