Jewish Humor and Joke Page


         


 
 
 
 

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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel.!

Sadie and Esther

Sadie and Esther are sitting on the porch of their Miami Beach hotel.

"Oh my God," cries Sadie. "Look at that poor boy! Such a weak chin. His mouth is crooked. And look, his eyes are crossed."

"That boy," says Esther, "happens to be my son."

"Oh," replies Sadie. "but on him it's very becoming."

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Only Say Good Things

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good.

Arafat is dead.

Good!

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Belated Greetings

Goldstein comes to the head of the burial society. He needs a loan to pay for the funeral of his wife, who has just died.

"But we gave you money to bury your wife three years ago," the head of the burial society tells him.

"Yes," says Goldstein, "But I remarried."

"Ohhh," says the burial director. "Mazal Tov!"

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A Jewish Woman's Dreams

Ask any Jewish psychologist and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the Jewish woman's version of this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

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The 11th Commandment:

"Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator!"

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Been Thar, Et Thet

Frieda had just finished her fish dinner. She was, however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter.

"I've tasted fresher fish," said Frieda.

"Not in here," replied the waiter.

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Jewish Women's Intution

Molly arrives home quite late one night and says to her worried husband Irving, "Sorry I'm late. I had to come home by train, as I couldn't get my car to start. But I'm sure I know why."

"So what's the problem then, my mechanical engineer of a wife?" asks Irving.

"I think there's water in the carburetor," replies Molly.

"How on earth can you know that?" says Irving. "You don't even know how to open the hood or to change the time on the car's clock yet alone know where the carburetor is."

"Maybe so," says Molly, "but I still think there's water in it."

Irving then says, "OK, I'll go along with you. Let's check it out right now. Where did you leave the car?"

Molly replies, "In the lake!"

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Exercise for those over 40

Let me share with you this regimen that a fitness guru shared with me.

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...

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NOW SCROLL UP.. ...

That's enough for the first day. Great job!!!

Have a Beer.

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The Proper Thing to Do

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.

Im not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. He needs our help and it would be the Jewish thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

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Things That Hallmark Cards Don't Say:

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry! - -

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

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I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.

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So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!   -   This is the Bottom Line (almost)

 

 

 

 

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