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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Did You Get This Email??

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased.

So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the E-mail said?

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Just wondering, I didn't get one either......................

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Recommended By Doctors

I went to the bar the other night and told the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'"

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Points Upon Which to Plonder

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

They told me I was gullible ...and I believed them.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around is he still wrong?

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Even In Heaven, They are Amazed

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business."

He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says "Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."

He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. Hes dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.

"Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has --

"Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

"Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card.

Its another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

Hit me, Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: " WOW! ..unbelievable!"

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Who will be the lucky one?

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.

"Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?"

The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

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Where There's a Will . . .

Isaac has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Isaac's Last Will and Testament. "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 10 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus, the Jaguar and my business.

To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $2,500,000.

And to my brother-in-law Raymond, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

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A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine

If you want to come over to eat, press 1;

If you want to come over to sponge, press 2;

If you want to come over to kvetch, press 3;

If your television broke down and you want to come over to see the game, press 4;

If you want to know how I am, you are calling the wrong number.

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Visiting a Jewish Grandmother

Yetta's grown grandson was coming down to Florida to visit her and she had to give him directions:

"... When you come to the front door of the apartment complex, you'll see a big panel with buzzers. With your nose, you'll push the button for my apartment, 20B. I'll buzz you in.

Turn to the right and, with your nose, press the elevator button. Then, you can use your nose again to press the button for the 20th floor.

When you get off, make a left and I'm down the hall on the right. Kick the door a little and I'll come let you in."

"Grandma, I'm sure I can find it just fine, but tell me, why am I hitting all these buttons with my nose and kicking your door?"

"What, you mean, you're coming empty handed???"

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If You Knew Suzie, Like I Knew Suzie

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sam."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Sam Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Sam every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Sam. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy, eh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger: Mmmhmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Sam."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married Suzie, his widow."

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I Think Therefore I Am

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

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