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A Hasidic rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks up and says "That's cool, where did you get it?"

The parrot looks up and says "In Brooklyn, there's thousands of them there."

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I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you.

If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

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Book Reading is how people install Software in their brains.

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1. YOU can't count your hair

2. YOU can't wash your eyes with soap

3. YOU can't breathe when your tongue is out

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Put your tongue back in,

4. Not everything you read on the internet is true.

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Mother asks little Schmendrick, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free. As they get into the bus the driver asks Schmendrick how old he was.

"I am 4 years old".

"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver.

"When I get off the bus" answers Schmendrick.

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Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

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George Burns was once asked - when he was 95 years old - whether he still drinks.

Yep.

Does he still smoke cigars?

Yep. Does he still pursue women.

Yep.

What did his doctor think about this?

Burns: "He's dead, I'm still alive."

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Morty Zimmerman had serious hearing problems for years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that miraculously allowed Morty to hear again - perfectly.

Morty went back a month later to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing function is near 100%. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

Morty replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Moishe was having a tough time finding a job what with the current economic problems. He had a hard time to even get an interview.

Finally, he secured an interview and needless to say, he was trying his best to impress. The interviewer said, "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

"I'm the one you want," Moishe replied. "At my last job every time anything went wrong, they all said I was responsible."

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