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Humor in a Jewish Vein, jokes and stories about Jews and Israel!

Top Daughter

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary daughters. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Shirley ," said Mrs. Blum with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Marilyn does for me," declared Mrs. Pollack proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Siegel sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Sherry does.....Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, rain or shine, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour ....... just to talk about me!"

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Morris The Card Player.....

All evening long four cardplayers had been pestered by Morris, a self-proclaimed genius who commented on everyone's poker hand and style of play. When Morris went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him.

"Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up."

The busybody Morris returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and kept five himself.

"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar."

"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you two dollars."

The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you five dollars."

Morris shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he said. " You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!"

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Your Cheatin' Heart

"My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world", complained Morris, the harried husband to a sympathetic friend.

Last year she found a blond hair on my jacket and she didn't speak to me for a week. Six months ago she said there was a red hair near my shirt collar... and there was no breakfast for a month.

"That's not so bad"...said the friend.

"Oh yeah," said Morris, "Yesterday she beat me over the head with a pan, screaming and claiming because she found no hairs in six months... that I am now going out with bald women!"

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Mine's Bigger Than Yours

I was scolding our Rabbi for his habit of starting synagogue services five or ten minutes late. I mentioned that in my years with the Air Force, when the general scheduled us to take off at 0700 hours, he didn't mean 0705 or 0712.

My Rabbi smiled at me and said, "My general outranks your general."

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Subject: Van Gogh's Family Tree

His dizzy aunt ---------Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ------Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ---Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ----Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ----Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ------ A mee Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach----Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------- Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt--------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle ------Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst -------- E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin ------Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ---- Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ---------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van ---Winnie Bay Gogh

And there ya Gogh !!!

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Don't Talk About It

Rabbi Sam Wolfson was giving his speech to the Jewish federation about the "Tragedy of Jewish Inter-Marriage" with non-Jews.

Toward the end of his long speech the Rabbi clapped his hands...waited 10 seconds...and clapped his hands again.

The Rabbi then explained that every time he clapped his hands some Jew married a non-Jew.

Immediately Morris jumped up from his seat in the audience and shouted, "Nu...So Stop Wid Your Clapping!"

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No Comment

Approaching his 100th birthday, old Moshe announced that he was quitting his shul, filling up all the necessary forms to renouce his Israeli citizenship, enrolling in a madrasah (Islamic religious school) to convert to Islam and applying to acquire Iranian citizenship.

His family and friends were appalled: Moshe had lived all of his long life as a devoted Jew and exemplary Israeli citizen. Pressed for a justification, Moshe eventually explained:

"My health is faltering and the Almighty may take me with Him any day now. Every time a Jew or an Israeli passes away, it pains me. But when a f...^&*$#*@ Arab or Muslim dies, I couldn't care less...!"

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Dog Gone!

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog, has a problem."

Dr. Saul, "So tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said fetch, not kvetch!"

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Jmag's English to Chinese Translations

EnglishChinese
That's not right Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee tableAi Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a dietWai Yu Mun Ching
Our meeting is scheduled for next weekWai Yu Kum Nao
He's cleaning his automobileWa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensiveYu Stin Ki Pu

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Since You Ask

Mr. Cohen falls and is laying in the road. A lady gets a pillow from her car and lays it under his head until the ambulance arrives.

"Are you comfortable?" she asks.

"Ah vell," he says "I make a living."

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