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A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct change for the fare. The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." He caves in and lets her ride for free.

She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle but people won't move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.

She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort.

A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've got, anyway?

The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah."

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A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph...then 110... then 120.

Suddenly he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

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* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

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(from a speech given recently)

Ladies of Hadassah.

Let me start by saying how nice it is to be among mishpoche. I'm reminded of a Sunday morning a few weeks back when I was sitting with my husband, the former President, and our beautiful and talented daughter, Chelsea. (An investment banker now, by the way, with a very good company. I know I don't have to tell you what a mecheiah it is, having a child like this.)

Anyway, I was sitting having my usual bagel with some good nova and a schmear, and I said to my husband, "Bill-eleh. How fortunate we all are to be living in this great country of ours. I mean, sure, we've still got that momzer in the White House. Not to mention Cheney, that chazzer. Or the farshimulte meeskite running the State Department. And don't even get me started on Gonzales, that little toochis lecker! A cholyera on all of them, I say!

"But this is my point. Where but in this beautiful country of ours would you find a boy named Grossman playing quarterback in the Super Bowl?

(Okay, he lost the game, but gay g'zind.) And where but in America would I be sitting down with Mrs. Feinstein and Mrs. Boxer not to drink Sanka and play mah jongg, but to decide the important domestic and foreign issues of the day?

And so, ladies, today as I reach out the hand of friendship to you, my shvestern, my landsmen, I come to ask that you join me in my quest. And to assure you that behind this goyishe punim is a yiddisher kop.

I hope to meet each of you personally at the lovely dairy brunch following this event. And I hope you'll forgive me if I pass on the whitefish, it's a little salty and I'm retaining. God bless America ! We should all live and be well!

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Why are elephants big, wrinkled, large, gray, hairy?

Because of they were small, white, smooth, round, and hairless, they'd be aspirin tablets.

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The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your pasta quattro formaggi was superb!" the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."

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Checking out his intelligence, the teacher asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

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* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* All men are idiots ...I married their king.

* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

* I souport publik edekasion

* hoket on foniks werked fur me

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# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment.....

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

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When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some A_ _hole in administration.

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