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Hyman: "Oy! I just swallowed a fish bone!"

Morty: "Are you choking?"

Hyman: "No, I'm serious!"

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If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?

A bris kit!

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This man studied the menu long and hard, and finally turned to the waiter for help.

"Well," said the waiter, "today our special is Kosher Chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almandine and a nice side salad."

"That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?"

"We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal."

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"Let's make sure that there is certainty during uncertain times in our economy." -- George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 2, 2008

"We got plenty of money in Washington. What we need is more priority." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 2, 2008

"And so the fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place." --George W. Bush, Mesa, Arizona, May 27, 2008

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No matter who you supported in the primary, this is just simply a wonderful response by Jon Stewart to a stupid question: Is America ready for a black president?

In Larry King's interview with Jon Stewart, Larry brought up the subject of the primaries and asked Stewart if America was ready for a woman or a black president.

Jon looked at him quizzically and said "This is such a non-question. Did anyone ask us in 2000 if Americans were ready for a moron?"

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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.'

The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.'

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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

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Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the innkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Molson Canadian beers, draft please"

The innkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, boys?"

"Off to England next month," says Joe. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England, "says the innkeeper." Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says Joe. "Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're arrogant and rude.'

"So why keep going to England?" asks the innkeeper.

Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

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My wife is a sex object...every time I ask for sex, she objects.

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