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It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoth, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go".

Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Filet minyan

Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
A: A Bris-kit!

10. Spearmint Matzoh
9. Marshmallow Matzoh
8. Licorice Matzoh
7. Root Beer Matzoh
6. Liver Matzoh
5. Anchovy Matzoh
4. Bubble-Gum Matzoh
3. Chorizo Matzoh
2. Menudo Matzoh
.....and the number one top rejected Matzoh flavor:
1. Bacon Matzoh

P. S.: Next year the rumor is that "Chumetz" flavor matzos will take over the market (and with a very good hechsher it will make a mint!).

Wouldn't you think that the person who plans,

The person who changes the pots and pans.

The person who suffers the elbowing crowd,

And brings home the matzo meal, bloody and bowed,

Who battles the butcher, accumulates plates,

And races the clock to those Passover dates.

Who polishes silverware, commandeers chairs,

And goes around muttering "nobody cares".

Who fixes charoset and karpas and eggs,

And winds up with headaches and cramps in her legs.

Wouldn't you think when the matzo is hid,

SHE merits the prize, not some smart-aleck kid?

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My five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother: "Guess what we made in Jewish school today, Mommy. We made unleaded bread!"

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A Jew took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Shortly thereafter a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jew offered a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a minute, and exclaimed, "Who wrote this?"

What did the blind man say after being given his first piece of Matzoh?

"Who writes this crap?"

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A long time ago when America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast. The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the people realized they were hopelessly lost. Afterwandering for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and winter was fast approaching.

As the group came over a hill they saw the first person they had seen for days; an old Jewish man, a Litvak yet, sitting beneath a tree. The leader of the wagon train approached the man.

"Can you help us? We're heading west but we're lost and all our food is gone. We're starving."

The old man replied, "Vell you know, I can see the future...Vait.. I'm getting a vision now." He held one hand to his brow and closed his eyes in concentration. "It's coming. Oh yah, I see, I see." "I know vut you gotado.

Go up dis here hill und down other side. Go through forest und across the stream. Den go up next hill und down to dat valley below. There you vill find ah bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader.

"YA, ah bacon tree. Trust me.. for nuttin vud I lie. I can see the future."

The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off. The group followed the strange old man's directions exactly. They went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley below.

Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Not a damned thing and especially not a bacon tree.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came Indians from all sides. It was a massacre. All but one man was killed, even he was seriously wounded. He crawled up the hill, crawled across the stream, crawled through the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down into the valley. There, under the tree was that same old Jewish man, having a glass of tea, right where they had left him.

The injured man crawled up to him and started shouting...... "What were you thinking? You sent us all to our deaths! We followed your instructions to the letter! We went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down the valley below. NO BACON TREE! Just Indians, thousands of Indians! And the rest of my group? THEY'RE ALL DEAD! "

The man held up his hand and said "Oye, vait A minute, vait A minute... I'm getting anudder vision.... Oyeeee. Ooooh. NOW I get it....G'VALT, I make ah big mistake... It vuz not a bacon tree... It vuz a ham bush!"

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During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.

On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," I said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh.

Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak. Out came "Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all the other knights?"

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Picture a nerdy looking man named Herbert sitting at the Passover seder table.

He speaks: "Why do I hafta sit at the kids' table This stinks!! This really stinks!!"

Moral: . . . No seder would be complete without the bitter Herb.

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Q: Why do we have a Haggadah at Passover?

A: So we can Seder right words.

A: A matzochist.

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A well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of the Board of Trustees of Beyt Tikkun Synagogue (and frequently published author in the pages of Tikkun) has brought the following question to our community, and hopes that its best Talmudic scholars might think more about it:

Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat?

One Rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.

But another Rabbi says that as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach (Passover) - along with all other agents causing things to rise.

And what baracha (blessing) does one say before taking the Viagra pill?

There is a choice of three blessings:

1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - bless you God for straightening those who are bent;

2. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;

3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - bless you God for raising the dead

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Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The fish and the kugel, (oh my, what a taste)
After both the Sedarim, went straight to my waist.

When I got on the scale, I couldn't believe it!
The treadmill and bicycle wouldn't relieve it.
I remembered the marvelous meals I prepared;
The light airy matzah balls everyone shared.

The brisket, the turkey, the tzimmes so sweet;
Oy, let me recline and get off of my feet.
I know we made kiddish and recited each plague,
But right now I'm foggy, and my memory is vague.

So, don't give me matzoh, chopped liver or wine
I'll do my aerobics and never more dine.
I'm walking to shul, so what if it's far?
I'm not even thinking of taking the car.

With 10 lbs. to lose and 10 inches to shrink,
Macaroons when wrapped tightly, can so nicely freeze.
Pack the sponge cake and tayglakh away, if you please.
Out of sight, out of mind - by this oath I'll abide;

Bring me the boiled chicken with romaine on the side.
I'll keep on that program, to my diet adhere,
And let's all get together for Pesach next year!

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On Passover we
Opened the door for Elijah
Now our cat is gone.

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Don't sit on the Afikomen (To the tune of “Glory, Glory, Halleluyah”)

My Dad at every Seder breaks a Matza piece in two And hides the Afikomen half-A game for me and you Find it, hold it ransom for the Seder isn't through 'till the Afikomen's gone.

Chorus:

Don't sit on the Afikomen.
Don't sit on the Afikomen.
Don't sit on the Afikomen.
Or the Meal will last all night

One year Daddy hid it 'neath a pillow on a chair
But just as I raced over, my Aunt Sophie sat down there She threw herself upon it
Awful crunching filled the air
And crumbs flew all around

Chorus

There were matza crumbs all over
Oh, it was a messy sight
We swept up all the pieces though it took us half the night
So, if you want your Seder ending sooner than dawn's light,
Don't sit on the Afiko-o-men

Chorus

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Are you going to Seder tonight?
Parsley, egg, haroset, and chrain
Remind us of the Jews’ bitter plight --
Moses freed them from Pharaoh’s chain.

Tell them to meet me at the Red Sea,
Parsley, egg, haroset, and chrain,
The sea will part and help them to flee,
Pharaoh’s soldiers all will be slain.

Use these symbols year after year:
Parsley, egg, haroset, and chrain,
The Pesach story we all must hear,
The memory of freedom will always remain.

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