Search our Archives:
» Home
» History
» Holidays
» Humor
» Places
» Thought
» Opinion & Society
» Writings
» Customs
» Misc.
|
Back Off....
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite anisette sprinkle
cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,
and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the
wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe,
gazing
into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper
on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette
sprinkle
cookies.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife
of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,
the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the
edge
of
the table, when it was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the shiva."
* * * * *
Send Us A Joke!!
* * * * *
Oldie One, but Goodie
Many years ago, in a little Stetle not far from Vilna, there lived two
women, Mrs. Lerner and Mrs. Katz. Each had a very beautiful daughter.
They had very high hopes for the daughters. When the time came, Mrs.
Lerner and Mrs. Katz traveled to Vilna and hired the most expensive
matchmaker they could find. This matchmaker found for them two very
promising rabbinical students.
Some months later, on a beautiful summer day, the rabbinical students
boarded a coach and headed out to meet the families. Quite
unexpectedly there arose a violent thunderstorm. There was a
lightening strike not far from the coach spooking the horses who ran off
the road overturning the coach. Sadly, one of the rabbinical students
suffered a fatal blow to the head, but the other decided to continue on.
When the young man arrived alone, the two ladies began to argue over
which rabbinical student had survived. There was nothing to be done
but to appeal to their wise old rabbi.
Hearing their story, the rabbi said, "We must apply the wisdom of
Solomon. I will cut the rabbinical student in half."
"Please, no, G-d forbid!" cried Mrs. Lerner.
"So - cut him in half," said Mrs. Katz.
"You, Mrs. Katz," declared the wise old rabbi, "are the true mother-in-
law."
* * * * *
Send Us A Joke!!
* * * * *
Shirley's Blind Date
"How was your blind date?" a college student
asked her roommate Shirley
"Terrible!" Shirley answered. "He showed
up in a 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive and fancy car. What's so
bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
* * * * *
Send Us A Joke!!
* * * * *
Schkip this if you don't know Yiddish...
The importance of the letters "SH" in YIDDISH
Wihout them how would you say words like.....
SHMOK
SHLEPER
SHNORER
SHLIMAZL
SHVONTZ
SHVITZER
SHLONDRIK
SHMENDRIK
SHPAIEN
SHVIGUER
SHVER
SHVESTER
SHADCHN
SHMEICHL
SHTOLTZ
SHLUGN
SHMALTZ
SHOIN
SHLEIKES
SHARF
SHPEIT
SHTIL
SHTELN
SHABES
SHUCHN
SHULEM
SHLUFN
SHLEPN
SHPILN
SHRAIEN
SHNAIDER
SHKUTZEM
SHEIGUETZ
and?
SHIKSE.
or phrazes like....
SHTIPN arain
SHTECHN un raizn
SHTOCH arbet
SHTARK vi a ferd
SHPILKES in tuches
SHEINER tuches
SHMUTZIKE chaie
SHVARTZE iurn
SHTIKL fleish
SHTIK drek
Foile SHTIK
Er PISHT oif SHTEINER
SHEINE reine kapure
Der fidler SHKRIPET oif maine nervn
SHTARB avek
A SHMUK, a gitn
Got vet dir SHTRUFN
SHIKER mit ein SHNAPS
or riming marvelous verses like.....
Di levune SHAINT, di SHTERN blitzn,
Main potz SHTEIT un maine eier SHVITZN
A gite nacht !!!
* * * * *
Send Us A Joke!!
* * * * *
Psalm 22 Re-Interpeted
The Lord is my Shepherd...
That's Relationship!
I shall not want...
That's Supply!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures...
That's Rest!
He leadeth me beside the still waters...
That's Refreshment!
He restoreth my soul...
That's Healing!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness...
That's Guidance!
For His name sake...
That's Purpose!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...
That's Testing!
I will fear no evil...
That's Protection!
For Thou art with me...
That's Faithfulness!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me...
That's Discipline!
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies...
That's Hope!
Thou annointest my head with oil...
That's Consecration!
My cup runneth over...
That's Abundance!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life...
That's Blessing!
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord...
That's Security!
Forever and ever...
That's Eternity!
What is most valuable, is not what we have in our lives, but WHO we have in our lives! Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away!
* * * * *
Send Us A Joke!!
* * * * *
New Yorkers
People say New Yorkers can't get along and won't share cabs.
Not true.
I saw 2 New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab.
One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the
engine and the bumpers.
* * * * *
Send Us A Joke!!
* * * * *
Don't give up...
Moses was once a basket case.
* * * * *
Send Us A Joke!!
* * * * *
Do you see the Light??
A person walks into a dermatologist’s office asking for help. “I think I’m
a moth.”
The dermatologist says, “You don’t need a dermatologist, you need a
psychologist.”
The patient say’s, “Yes, I know.”
The doctor asks, “Well, if you know you need a psychologist, why did
you
come in here.”
The patient answers, “Well your light was on…”
* * * * *
Send Us A Joke!!
* * * * *
From the Mouth's of Children...
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a dead cat.
“How do you know?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child
innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it
didn’t move.”
* * * * *
Send Us A Joke!!
* * * * *
Another Blessed Child...
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer.
She read, “.... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher
paused then asked the class, “And what do you think the farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Sh*t! A
talking chicken!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes
* * * * *
Send Us A Joke!!
* * * * *
~~~~~~~
from the January 2011 Edition of the Jewish Magazine
|
|
Please let us know if you see something unsavory on the Google Ads and we will have them removed. Email us with the offensive URL (www.something.com)
|
|
