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Q: What do you call a Torah with a seat belt?

A: A Safer Torah!

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The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the shames to come over. The Rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up."

The shames replied, "You put him to sleep. You wake him up.”

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet emotional needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can I rely on you for this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

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Why did God create man first?

So he wouldn't have to be told two times how to do it.

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Son: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?

Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.

Son: Well, at least you could try.

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Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

'Give me the box of matches,' says one. 'Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.'

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match, when, out of the blue, a Martian appears, waving all his arms...

'No, no, don't!'

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?

Still, he takes another match...and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: 'No, no, don't do that!'

One of the astronauts says: 'This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars'.

So he strikes a match - which flames up, burns down, and...nothing happens. So he turns to the Martians and asks: 'Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?'

The leader of the Martians says: 'It's Shabbos, you idiot!'

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Why can't the Super Bowl:

Be a self cleaning toilet bowl

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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, global warming, my savings, Social Security, my credit card debt..... that I called the Sucide Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

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Teacher: What does your father do for a living?

Student: He is a magician.

Teacher: what is his favorite event?

Student: He cuts people in two.

Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have?

Student: One half-brother and one half-sister...

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