Jewish Humor and Jokes



   
    June 2001            
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Israeli Cholent Tasting Contest

These are notes from an inexperienced cholent taster named FRANK, who was visiting Israel from Texas... (For a real receipe for the traditional Shabbat dish made with beans, potatoes, more beans, meat, more beans, barley and more beans see Jewish Mag issue #43)

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Israel and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a cholent cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Israelis) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Israeli hospitality. They assured me that the cholent wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the judges' notes from the event."

*****Cholent # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Cholent
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh-t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Jews are crazy.

*****Cholent # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Cholent
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of lamb. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

*****Cholent # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Cholent
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse cholent! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless cholent, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Sally, the nurse, pounded me on the back to revive me; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh-t-faced.

*****Cholent # 4: Bubbie's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean cholent with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a cholent.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the nurse, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that bowl is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

*****Cholent # 5: Linda's Lethal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong cholent. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Cholent using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I f-rted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her cholent had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really p-sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those Israeli maniacs!

*****Cholent # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety cholent. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight-pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that nurse Sally. Needed to wipe my *%# with a snow cone!

******Cholent # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Cholent
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre cholent with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with cholent that slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh-t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it! I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****Cholent # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Cholent
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend cholent, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced cholent, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the cholent pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: ---------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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Love That Cholent

A man goes into a Jewish restraunt and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Cholent," she says, "But the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of cholent remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your cholent?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the cholent. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the cholent he had just eaten back into the bowl.

"Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.

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Cannibal's Delight

Did you hear the story about the cannibal that passed his father in the forest. (Think about it - it may be a hard one to swallow, but it will come out in the end)

Same cannibal invited his buddy over for dinner. Buddy said, "Your wife sure makes a great stew!" The first cannibal replied, "I know, but I'm really going to miss her."

Same cannabal's son was thrown out of school for buttering up his teacher.

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Diet Tips

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, such as: brandy, cheesecake (eaten whole), and ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories not only because they are eaten in the dark, but also simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Chanukah parties has no calories, courtesy of G-d, since it is a mitzvah to eat. This applies at other religious events such as bar mitzvahs, brits, oneg Shabbats and shopping.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Added Tip: Develop tapeworms

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OH, TO BE JEWISH!

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."

The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."

The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

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In a Restaurant

An American, a Russian and an Israeli are having lunch in a restaurant. The waiter apologize: "Excuse me, but we are short of beef today".

"What is short?" replies the American..

"What is beef?" ask the Russian...

"What is excuse me?" says the Israeli...

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What I Want In A Man

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes (at appropriate times)
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDovid's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
1. Breathing

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A Letter From A Redneck Mother to Her Son!

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

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Miss you

There was a reader of the Jewish Magazine who got down to the bottom and sent us a joke!

Now the Joke is on you.

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
you have read down to the bottom,
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the June 2001 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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