The Jewish Humor and Joke Page



   
    February Purim 2002            
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Jewish Jokes and Some Humor

What I learned in Hebrew School...

(These are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is: "Thou shalt not admit adultery."

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony

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This is THE Joke of the Month
(If you haven't heard it, you ain't "in")

Two guys have been learning the Talmud together for 20 years. One of them is going to make a bar mitzvah so he says to the other one, "I am making a bar mitzvah and I would like you to come."

"I'm sorry, I can't."

"But I really want you to come."

"You don't understand. I just can't come."

"But why can't you come?"

"I'm not Jewish."

"What do you mean? We have been learning together for 20 years."

"I enjoy the intellectual stimulation."

"But we learned that a gentile that keep shabbos is 'chayav misah.' "

"I never kept the shabbat. Every time I was ready to leave my house, I put a key in my pocket." "But we have an eruv  here."

"I don't hold from that eruv."

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In the Beginning
(from the Corporate Bible)

- In the beginning was the Plan.

- And then came the Assumptions.

- And the Assumptions were without form.

- And the Plan was without substance.

- And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

- And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of sh-t, and it stinkith"

- And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we cannot abide the smell."

- And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

- And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."

- And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

- And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

- And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with powerful effects"

- And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

- And the Plan became Policy.

- And that, my friends, is how sh-t happens.

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Married in Heaven
Distribution limited to the legal profession only.

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for the head angel to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When the head angel shows up, they asked him. The head angel says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . . . for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, The head angel finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

The angel, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" The head angel shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

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Gambling

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game.

Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "L*rd, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

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"Thirteen!"

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

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Gd save America!

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman says "Yep, thats them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning world war III"

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

So the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"

So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told

you, no-one would care about the 140 million Iraqis.

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What to do if a telemarketer calls your home

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh golly! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Dump everything down the toilet, its a drug bust!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him if he will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Moishe, cut it out! Seriously, Moishe, how's your momma leprosy?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

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Newspapers (which one do you read?)

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you veddy much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care, as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

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A New Twist in Cat and Mouse Relations

Two mice sat in their hole watching the Cat lurk outside. "I know how to make the Cat go away," said the first mouse.

"How?" the second mouse asked in surprise.

"Watch! Bow, wow!!!" barked the first mouse. Peering through their hole in the wall, they saw the cat running away in fear.

"Ah, see the benefit of knowing another language!"

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Office Security - Special Bulletin:

We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office.

Three of the four have been apprehended: Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

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~~~~~~~

from the February Purim 2002 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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