Jewish Jokes and Humor



   
    April Passover 2003 Edition            
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From the Mouth of the Young

A Hebrew school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to the synagogue service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in the synagogue?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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The Last Laugh

A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads:

"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L. L. D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services "

Suddenly, Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone !"

Through his tears, Morris sobs, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number and Email !"

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Thoughts about France

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

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phunny

Hypocracy: Government by Hypocrites

Pier Review: Stuff I don't like gets thrown into the lake.

Is this new program to give guns to pilots a Pilot Study?

World Cup: What the planet needs when the asteroids start hitting below the belt.

Little is known about the salivary glands because they are so secretive.

Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with excellent vocabulary.

Abdicate: Giving up any hope of having a flat stomach.

Fecon: A subatomic particle of shit.

P/E ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

The judge asked his dentist: "Will you drill the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"

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The Older I Get, the less funnier it is!!

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

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A fish is a fish is a fsh

what do you call a fish with no eye?

a fsh!

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Jewish Quiz

Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A. She has a headache with the mailman.

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Gosh Gematrias!

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top. But, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you.

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For the Jewish Minded

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty but they sent her home.

She insisted SHE was guilty.

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PUNS ANYONE?

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

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@%$*^&)(!!@#+*%

Enough is Enough!!
month after month, you read this page
Now It is Time For You To Send Us YOUR Favorite Joke.

~~~~~~~

from the April Passover 2003 Edition of the Jewish Magazine

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