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Jewish Humor
with thanks to Chanoch Bleier and Bruce Brodersen
A Jewish girl gets engaged to a Cherokee indian
boy and takes him home to meet her parents. Later, the indian
boy goes home to see his parents. They ask him how he was treated
at the Jewish girls house and he replies: "They really liked
me. In fact, they have already given me a Jewish name....Sitting
Shivah"
The captain of a Syrian airliner announces,
"This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have lost an engine and
want to land at any airport in the mideast OTHER than Israel."
No answer.
A short while later he announces, "This
is Syrian Airliner 174 again.
We have lost TWO engines and ask permission
to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel."
No answer from anyone.
A while later the pilot announces, "This
is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost
three engines and need permission to land at any airport
in the mid-East OTHER than Israel.
Still no answer from anyone. Finally, the
Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have
only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can
land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY
airport in the Mid-East, INCLUDING Israel.
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the
Syrian airplane cockpit:
"This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian
Airliner 174. We would like to help."
"G-d bless you," said the Syrian
pilot, "What should we do?"
Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after
me:
"Yisgadal, v'yiskadash" (Prayer
for the Dead)
Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical
engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard,
went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't
take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical
engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company
to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of the United States
called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president
said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company
to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our
approval. Go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect.
The entire resources of his company went into building the most
advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on
paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet,
disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke
clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety,
thank G-d.)
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter,
but the same thing happened at the next test flight. Thewings
broke off again.
Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his synagouge to pray
and to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The Rabbi saw Bernie's
sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie
decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the Rabbi put
his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know
how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of
holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage.
If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Bernie just smiled and thanked the Rabbi for his advice...but
the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing
to lose. Maybe the Rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did
exactly what the Rabbi told him to do. On the next design of
the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and
below where the wings met the fuselage.
And...it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the synagouge to tell the Rabbi
that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi,
"I never doubted it would."
"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would
prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the Rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man.
I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many,
many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the
matzoh broken on the perforation!"
Hillary is waiting at the pearly gates and the head angel comes
up and says, "I know you were somebody down on Earth, but
you are just like everyone else up here, so you will have to wait
your turn.
Hillary takes a seat and notices this wall covered with clocks.
She also notices that every now and then, different clocks jump
15 minutes ahead of time.
When the head angel returns, Hillary says, "What's with
all the clocks?"
The head angel replies, "Well, each clock represents a man
back on Earth."
Hillary asks, "Why is it that some of the clocks skip ahead
15 minutes?"
"Every time a clock skips, that means that a man has committed
adultry," answers the head angel
"Which one is my husband's clock?" inquires Hillary.
"G-d has that one in his office," answers the head
angel. "He uses it as a fan."
A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened
for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and
hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run
after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes
his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation
of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and
is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed--also
praying in Hebrew. The man thinks to himself "How lucky am
I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We're
mishpocheh--I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully
to the bear's prayer: "...HAMOTZI ADAM MIN HA'ARETZ."
(blessing before eating a man)
G-d, having decided to destroy the word, revealed His intention
to three world leaders: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bibi
Netanyahu. Boris Yeltsin, in an address to the Russian people,
said: "I have bad news, and more bad news. First of all,
in contrast to what we have been taught to believe, G-d exists;
He appeared to me and spoke to me.Secondly, He intends to destroy
the world."
At the same time, in an address to the American people, Bill Clinton
said: "There's good news and bad news. First of all, as
we have been taught to believe, G-d exists; He appeared to me
and spoke to me. The bad news is that He intends to destroy the
world."
At the same time, in an address to the Israeli people, Bibi
Netanyahu said: "There's good news and more good news. First
of all, as we have been taught to believe, G-d exists; He appeared
to me and spoke to me. Furthermore, based on what He said to
me, I can assure you that a Palestinian state will not be established."
Menachem needs his tallis dry-cleaned. He sends it to the best
dry-cleaner in town, Ho Chi Wung Cleaners. They tell him to come
back in a week. When he comes back, they give him the bill, which
says $25.00.
"Twenty-five dolars?!" Menachem reads, astonished.
"No, no, no!" replies the dry-cleaner. "One dollar
to clean the tallit, twenty-four dollars to take out all those
knots!"
~~~~~~~
from the April 1998 Passover Edition of the Jewish Magazine
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